2 10 13 https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/b7009e482527a46bf80acc90a52ccda1.pdf 16455f98988ef91347f221c620221762 PDF Text Text THE ANECDOTE-BOOK: A CHOICE COLLECTION OF ANECDOTES, JESTS, WITTY SAYINGS, BON MOTS, &c., &o. SELECTED FROM THE BEST SOURCES. GLASGOW! P R I N T E D FOR THE B O O K S E L L E R S . Price One Penny. 1 ��THE ANECDOTE BOOK. ANECDOTES. SECRETS. ' MY dear Murphy,' said an Irishman to his friend, 'why did you betray the secret that I told you ?' Is it betraying you call it ? Sure, when I found I wasn't able to keep it myself, didn't I do well to tell it to somebody that could?' DUE PROPORTIONS 'Jock,' said a farmer's wife to the herd callant—' Jock, come in to your parritch —the flies are drowning themselves in the milk.' ' Nae fears,' replied Jock, moving very deliberately towards the scene of action—' Nae fears; they'll wade through't.' ' Od, you little rascal, do you say you dinna get eneugh o' milk ?' ' Ou ay, plenty for the parritch.' GIPSY W I T . Two young ladies were accosted by a gipsy woman, who told them that, for a shilling each, she would show them their husband's faces in a pail of water ; which being brought, they exclaimed, ' Why, we only see our own faces !' ' Well,' said the old woman, 'those will be your husband's faces when you are married.' SECURITY AGAINST DROWNING. A lady at sea, full of apprehension in a gale of wind, cried out among petty exclamations, 'We shall go to the bottom—mercy on us, how my head swims.' ' Zounds, madam, never fear,' said one of the sailors, ' you can never go to the bottom while your head swims !' �4 WELL DONE. Lord Chesterfield has beautifully and truly remarked, —' Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well? This axiom applies admirably to the treatment of a friend. A THRIFTLESS LADDIE. On the application of the Prince Regent to Parliament for a grant to pay off his debts, being talked of one evening in a company, an old Scotch lady, whose ideas were all of a homely character, exclaimed, ' Debt! how can he be in debt—doesna he get his meat in his fayther's V A CHANCE FOR BACHELORS. A man with eleven daughters was complaining to a friend that he found it hard to live. ' You must husband your time,' said the other, ' and then you will do well enough.' ' I could do much better,' was the reply, ' if I could husband my daughters.' EQUITABLE ADJUSTMENT. ' Patrick,' said an employer one morning to one of his workmen, ' you came too late this morning ; the other men were at work an hour before you.' ' Sure, and I'll be even with them to-night.' ' How, Patrick ?' 'I'll quit an hour before them, sure.' TAKE CARE OF YOUR EMPHASES. An elderly gentleman being ill, one of his friends sent a messenger with the usual inquiry, which, however, he had not pronounced with due emphasis—' I'll thank you to take my compliments, and ask how OLD Mr.W.is.' The messenger departed on his errand, and speedily returned, saying, 'He's just 68, sir !' A BROAD HINT. The great man of a village being at dinner, allowed one of his tenants to stand while he conversed with him. 'What news, my friend ? said the squire. ' None that I know of,' replied the farmer, ' except that a sow of mine has had a litter of thirteen pigs, and she has only twelve teats.' ' What will the thirteenth do ?' asked the landlord. ' Do as I do,' returned Hodge ; ' it will stand and look on while the others eat.' �DOING BUSINESS. The papa of a young man, who devotes more attention to gaming, horse-racing, &c., than to business, was met by a friend, who asked him what his son Jack was doing now. ' Doing, sir ?' said the papa—' doing his father, as usual.' K E E P A DOG AND B A R K ! A simple servant boy one evening went up to the drawing-room, on the bell being rung. When he returned to the kitchen, he laughed immoderately. Some of the servants asking the cause of his mirth, he cried, ' What do you think ? there were sixteen of them who could not snuff the candles, and were obliged to send for me to do it." THE SAME HERE. A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster was lately met by his landlord, who accosted him thus: --' John, I intend to raise your rent to which John replied, ' Sir, I'm very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself.' NO TIME TO LOSE. A gentleman was one day composing music for a lady to whom he paid his addresses. ' Pray, Miss D.,' said he, 'what time do you prefer ?' ' Oh !' she replied, carelessly, ' any time will do. but the quicker the better.'' The company smiled at the rejoinder, and the gentleman took her at her word. HOLDING A HORSE. 'Here, fellow, hold this horse.' 'Does he kick?' Kick!—no! Take hold of him.' 'Does he bite?' Bite !—no ! Take hold of the bridle, I say.' ' Does it take two to hold him ?' ' No !' ' Then hold him yourself.' THE BOOT ON THE WRONG LEG. An Irishman having legs of different sizes, ordered his boots to be made accordingly. His directions were obeyed ; but as he put the smallest boot on his largest he exclaimed petulantly, ' Confound the fellow ! I ordered him to make the one larger than the other, and instead of that, he has made one smaller than the other.' �6 An Irish gentleman going to the pest-office, inquired if there were any letters for him ? ' Your name, sir,' said the clerk. i There is a good one now,' said the Hibernian, BAD BETTER THAN NONE. A married woman was telling a staid lady, somewhat on the wrong side of fifty, of some domestic troubles, which she in great part attributed to the irregularities of her husband. ' Well (said the old maid), you have brought these troubles on yourself. 1 told you not to marry him. I was sure he would not make you a good husband.' 'He is not a good one, to be sure, madam (replied the woman), but he is a 'power better than none.' COBBETT AND THE GOOSE. When Cobbett kept a stationer's shop at Philadelphia, and was writing under the name o f ' Peter Porcupine,' a young sub went to buy some quills, and thinking to pass a joke upon Peter, asked him if they were not Porcupine's quills? Upon which Cobbett, taking up the redcoat's money, drily replied, making at the same time a very profound bow, 'Oh, no, sir ! they are a goose's.' MOTHER WIT. An Irishman, while on his passage to this country in Search of harvest work, was observed to walk up and down the deck at a brisk pace, occasionally giving a look at the Captain whenever he came in sight, as if to attract his observation. On being asked by the steward for his passage-money, when hearing the port of destination, Pat replied,' Arrah, honey, be aisey now, sure the master won't do such a dirty trick as charge a poor shearer, who has walked the whole way.' AN IMPUDENT IMP, An irregular apprentice frequently keeping late hours, his master at length took occasion to apply s o m e weighty arguments to convince him of the ' error of his ways.' During the chastisement, he continually exclaimed 'How long will you serve the D ?' The boy replied, whimpering, ' You. know best, sir : I believe my indenture will be out in three months !' ' why, wont you see it on the back o �7 BOW TO AVOID QUARRELS. The late Mr. John Jones being asked by a friend ' how he kept himself from being involved in quarrels ?' replied, ' b y letting the angry person have all the quarrel to himself.' DON'T YOU W I S H YOU MAY GET HIM ? The editor of the Florence Inquirer (American paper) gives the following notice to one of his friends —' The gentleman who took out of our library the number of Graham's Magazine, is respectfully invited to call again in about two weeks, and get the number for August.' BASHFULNESS. 'Sally,'said an amorous lover, speaking the other day to his intended, ' give us a kiss, will you, Sally ?' 'No, I shan't,' said Sally; ' help yourself.' ASKING A BLESSING, A minister went to dine at the house of one of his hearers, whom he was in the habit of visiting. Dinner being placed on the table, the master of the house requested done, than a prattling boy, about seven years old, asked the following appropriate question : ' Papa, what is the reason we always have a blessing asked when Mr. dines with us, and never at any other time ?' VERY FUNNY. 'Father, do they light up railway carriages at night with gas ?' ' No, my dear, with train oil.' THE SAGE AND THE SIMPLETON. As the late Professor Hamilton was one day walking near Aberdeen, he met a well-known individual of weak intellect. ' Pray,' said the Professor, ' how long can a person live without brains?' ' I dinna ken,' replied Jemmy, scratching his head, ' how auld are ye yoursel?' SHORT AND SHARP. ' You had better ask for manners than money,' said a finely-dressed gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms. 'I asked for what I thought you had the most of,' was cutting reply. the minister to ask a blessing. It was no sooner �8 SHERIDAN. 'How is it,' said a gentleman to the late Richard Brinsley Sheridan, ' that your name has not an O attached to it; your family is Irish, and no doubt illustr ' No family has a better right to an O than our family,' replied Sheridan, ' for we O (owe) everybody.' HOOKS ANP EYES. George Colman being once asked if he knew Theodore Hook—' Oh yes,' was his reply, 'Hook and I (eye) are old associates.' QUESTIONABLE. Schoolmaster:—' Robert, compare the adjective cold.1 Robert:—' Positive, cold: comparative, cough: superlative, coffin!' A SLIGHT MISTAKE. Never did Paddy utter a better bull than did an honest John, who, "Being asked by a friend, ' Has your sister got a son or a daughter ?' answered, ' Positively, I do not yet know whether I am an uncle or an aunt? TIT FOR TAT. A lady approaching the vale of years, but still retaining personal attractions, exclaimed in triumph to her maid,' What would you give, child, to have my beauty ' Almost as much as you would to possess my youth, madam,' replied the girl. CAN'T OBLIGE YOU AT PRESENT. In one of the engagements during the war in Egypt, a poor Frenchman, falling into the power of a Highland sergeant, screamed out the only English word he was master of, ' Quarter ! quarter !' ' Shell no hae time to quarter ye the noo,' replied Donald, ' she'll just cut ye in twa!' AN EAR FOR MUSIC. A little girl being asked if she had an ear for music, replied, ' Yes, I believe I have ; for I heard the s o u n d e r a fiddle when a man was playing on it at least two hundred yards off.' �9 A HINT FOR THE ' BLUES.' Milton being asked whether he would instruct his daughters, in the different languages, replied, ' no; one tongue is sufficient for a woman.' A COMMANDMENT. The evening before Toiras for permission at the point of death. through his pretext; that thy days may be a battle, an officer asked Marshal to go and see his father, who was ' Go,' said the Marshal, who saw 'honour thy father and mother, long in the land.' BRIGHT. A person being asked which luminary he preferred, the sun or the moon, replied—' The moon, because it affords light at night, when it is needed ; whereas the sun only gives light at day, when we don't want it.' BENEFITS OP HABIT. . A benedict, upon being asked whether he was seriously injured when a steam-boat boiler exploded, replied, ' that he was so used to be blown up by his wife, that mere steam had no effect on him.' PRECOCITY. ' Mamma, are all vessels called she ?' 'Yes, my dear.' ' Then how are all the national ships called men-of-war ?' 'Jane, put that child to bed.' THE ART OF SHOPPING* ' What's the price of this article ?' inquired a deaf old lady. ' Seven shillings,' said the draper. ' Seventeen shillings !' she exclaimed, ' I'll give you thirteen.' ' Seven shillings,'replied the honest tradesman, ' is the price of the article.' ' Oh ! seven shillings,' the lady sharply rejoined : ' I'll GIVE you F I V E A FEARFUL HUSBAND. 'If I'm not home from the party to-night at ten o'clock said a husband to his better and bigger half, don't wait for me.' ' That I won't,' said the lady, significantly,' I won't wait, but I'll come for you.' He returned at ten precisely. !' �10 A POSER, As a teacher was employed the other day in learning a sharp urchin to cipher on a slate, the pupil asked his instructor—' Whaur does a' the figures gang till whan they're rubbit oot?' BODILY STRENGTH. A friend of ours says, he is growing weaker and weaker every day. He has got so weak now that he can't raise five dollars. BAD TIMES. The times are so hard, and payments are so rare, that the girls complain that the young men cannot even pay their addresses. A CASE OF DISTRESS. A poor Yankee, on being asked the nature of his distress, replied, 'that he had five outs and one in, viz., out of money and out of clothes ; out at the heels and out at the toes ; out of credit and in debt.' A HANDSOME MAN. The editor of the Newbury Journal is said to be so handsome, that he is forced to carry a club to keep the women off! PHILOSOPHY. Experimental philosophy—asking a man to lend you money. Moral philosophy—refusing to do it. SHADE OP THE DEPARTED. One of the American papers gives an account of a lounger in his editorial office, who had been in the habit of sitting so long, that when he died his shadow was found fixed upon the wall! A 'CUTE LAD. A gentleman sent a lad with a letter to the Baltimore post-office, and money to pay the postage. w h e n he returned, he said, " I guess I 'did the thing slick ; I see a good many folks putting letters into thepostoffice through a hole, so I watched my chance, and got mine" in for nothing." �11 DIALECT. Edinburgh v. Aberdeen.—A gentleman from Aberdeen was awoke one night lately in a hotel in Prince's street, Edinburgh, by an alarm of fire. Upon going to the window, he called out ' Vautchman, far eis't?' The watchman thanked him, and went towards the Register Office, where he found he was going in the wrong direction, and returned. On repassing the hotel, he was again called to by the Aberdonian, who hauled out, 'Vautchman, far was't?' On looking up to him the watchman replied, ' Ye're a d—d leein scoonril : ye first tell'd me it was far east, an' noo ye say it's far wast; but I tell ye it's neither e' tane or e' tither,' cause its owre i' e' Coogate.' PHRENOLOGY ILLUSTRATED. A professor of craniology passing the other morning through a churchyard near town, while they were opening some old graves, took up several sculls, and affected to distinguish very accurately the characters of their owners. ' This, now,' said the professor, 'belonged to a philosopher.' 'Like enough, your honour,' replied the gravedigger, ' for I see it's a bit cracked.' A SENTENCE. A fellow in Dublin had once committed some trifling offence, for which the judge pronounced the following sentence Judge.—' The sentence of the Court is, that you shall be flogged from the Bank to the Quay.' Prisoner (hastily interrupting the Judge),—' Thank you, my lord, you have done your worst.' Judge,-—' Not yet; and back again. A SAILOR'S J O K E . A sailor who had been fighting and making a riot, was taken, first to a watch-house, then before a justice, who, after severely reprimanding him, ordered him to find bail- 'I have no bail,' said Jack. ' Then I'll commit you,' said the justice. ' You will!' said the sailor, ' then the Lord send you the rope that stops the wind when the ship'sat anchor.' ' What do you mean by that?' said the justice ; ' I insist on an explanation of that phrase.' why,' said Jack, ' it's the hanging rope at the yard-arm.' �12 BROAD HINT. ' Thomas,' said a sponging friend of the family to a footman, who had been lingering about the room for half an hour to show' him to the door, ' Thomas, my good fellow, it's getting late, isn't it ? How soon will the d come up, Thomas ?' ' The very moment you be gone, sir,' was the unequivocal reply. HOW TO MAKE MEN BRAVE. Sir Thomas Fitzgerald, famous for flogging, had raised a regiment of pardoned peasantry in the sister kingdom, which he called the ' Ancient Irish.' He and his corps were sent on foreign service. On his return he boasted frequently of their bravery, and that no other troops were so forward to face the enemy. ' No wonder,' said Ned Lysaght; ' thanks to your flogging, they were ashamed to show their backs.' THE SHAME-FACED IRISHMAN. An Irishman being asked, a few days since, to take a mutton chop with a friend, declined the invitation, saying, ' that he had ate so much mutton of late, he was ashamed to look a sheep in the face.' EXTRAORDINARY DESPATCH. The editor of an American paper, in describing the rapid sale of his journal, assures those who choose to believe him, that it goes off like greased lightning ! VICE-VERSA. As a canal-boat was passing under a bridge, the captain gave the usual warning by calling aloud, " look out!" when a little Frenchman, who was in the cabin, obeyed the order by popping his head out of the window which received a severe bump, by coming in contact with a pillar of the bridge. He drew it back in a great pet, ana exclaimed, " Dese Amerikans say, ' Look out!' when dey mean 'Look in !"' m A DEPUTY WANTED. 'I can't speak in public—never done such a thing in all my life,' said a chap the other night at a p u b l i c meeting, who had been called upon to hold forth, ' but it anybody in the crowd will speak for me, I'll hold his �13 HOW TO GET A LIFT. ' Pray,' said Mr. to a gentleman he overtook on the road, ' will you have the complaisance to take my great-coat in your carriage to town ?' ' With pleasure, my dear sir ; but how will you get it again V ' Oh, very easily,' replied the modest applicant; ' I shall remain in it.' SINGULAR RESEMBLANCE. An American, speaking of his niggers, said, ' Caesar and Pompey are so much alike that you can't tell the one from the otner,'specially Pompey.' A CURIOUS FACT. The proprietor of the perpetual motion, lately exhibited at Boston, has absconded without even paying the man who turned the crank in the cellar ! SHARP RETORT. A Yankee and a Patlander happening to be riding together, passed a gallows. ' Where would you be,' said Jonathan, 'if the gallows had its due?' 'Biding alone, I guess,' said the Irishman. PRODIGIOUS. By a series of interesting experiments lately made in Philadelphia, a woman's tongue has been found capable of moving one thousand nine hundred and twenty times in a minute ! Think of that and weep ! EITHER W A Y W I L L DO. ' Will you have me, Sarah ?' said a young man to a modest girl. ' No, John,' said she, ' but you may have me if you will.' JUSTICE AND HIS PRISONER, ' Sirrah,' said a justice to one brought before him, 'you are an arrant knave.' ' Am I, sir?' says the prisoner; ' just as your worship spoke, the clock struck two.' A LOGICAL POINT. '1wonder,' said a woman of humour, ' why my husband and I quarrel so often, for we agree uniformly on one point: he wishes to be master, and so do I.' �14 CONJUGAL AFFECTION. A gentleman having a horse that started, and broke his wife's neck, a neighbour squire told him he wished to purchase it for his wife to ride upon, ' No,' says the other, 'I will not sell i t ; I intend to marry again myself!' A SHREWD ANSWER. A countryman being a witness in a court of Justice, was asked by the counsel if he was born in wedlock,— ' No, sir,' answered the man, ' I was born in Devonshire.' AN ELEGANT COMPLIMENT. Dr. Johnson treated Mrs, Siddons, who called upon him in Bolt-court, with the most marked politeness. Frank, his servant, could not immediately bring her a chair. ' You see, madam,' said the Doctor, ' wherever you go, how difficult it is to find seats.' MILTON AND MR. HOYLE. Milton, that glory of British literature, received not above £10 at two different payments for the copyright of 'Paradise Lost;' yet Mr. Hoyle, author of a treatise on the game of whist, after having disposed of all the first impression, sold the copyright to a bookseller for 200 guineas. A GREAT SECRET. A person reading in a newspaper an advertisement offering a reward for some lost family documents, and bearing at the end of it a common announcement, that the notice was 'not to be repeated an old woman who had been attentively listening, exclaimed—' What! no to be repeated; eh, sirs, that maun be a great secret.' LOT'S WIFE. A Highlander who has charge of a number of females in a public work near Glasgow, finding lately that business was increasing too fast for the number of his workers, informed his employer that,' If we'll no get more haunds, we'll juist hae to stick a'thegither.'— 'Stick altogether !' says the master; ' why, Donald, man, I nev heard of any one doing that except Lot's wife.'— ' L o t s wife,' says Donald,' wha was she—did she'll wroght in the wark ?' �15 SCRIPTURE B I O G R A P H Y . — ( W H O W A S JESSE ? ) An old schoolmaster, who usually heard his pupils once a-week through Watts' Scripture History, and afterwards asked them promiscuously such questions as suggested themselves to his mind, one day desired a young urchin to tell him who Jesse was ; when the boy briskly replied, ' The Flower of Dumblane, sir.' GINGER Y I L L . A short time since, a bailie of Glasgow invited some of his electioneering friends to dinner, during which the champagne circulated freely, and was much relished by the honest bodies; when one of them, more fond of it than the rest, bawled out to the servant who waited, 'I say, Jock, gie us some mair o' that ginger yill, will ye ?' INTERESTING QUESTION. At a debating club, the question was discussed, whether there is more Happiness in the possession or pursuit of an object ? 'Mr. President,' said an orator, ' suppose I was courtin' a gal, and she was to run away, and I was to run after her ; wouldn't I be happier when I cotch'd her than when I was running after her ?' EQUIVOCAL ADVERTISEMENT. The following notice might have been seen some time ago stuck up in a corset-maker's shop window in Glasgow— ' All sorts of ladies stays here.' A BARGAIN. The following laconic epistle may be seen in the window of a coffee-house in Featherstone-street, City-road : —' Stolen, from this window, a china cup and saucer; the set being now incomplete, the thief may have the remainder a bargain.' AN EXCELLENT GRACE. One day, at the table of the late Dr. Pearce, (Dean of Ely,) just as the cloth was removing, the subject of discourse happened to be that of an extraordinary mortality amongst the lawyers. ' We have lost,' said a gentleman not less than six eminent barristers in as many months.' The Dean, who was quite deaf, rose as his friend finished his remark, and gave the company grace:—' For this, and every other mercy, the Lord's name be praised!' �16 STUTTERING SOLDIER. A soldier about to be sent on the late Spanish expedition, said to the officer directing the drafts, ' Sir, I cann go, because I—I stut-utter.' ' Stutter !' says the officer, ' you don't go to talk, but to fight.' ' Ay, but they'll p-put me on g guard, and a man may go ha-ha-half a mile before I can say, who-who-who goes there ?' ' Oh, that is no objection, for there will be another sentry placed along with you, and he can challenge if you can fire.' ' Well, b-b-but I may be taken and run through the g-g-guts, before I can cry qu-qu-quarter.' PROMPT ANSWER, Chateanneuf, keeper of the seals of Louis XIII., when a boy of only nine years old, was asked many questions by a bishop, and gave very prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, ' I will give you an orange if you will tell me where God is ?'— 'My lord,' replied the boy, 'I will give you two oranges if you tell me where he is not.' BAYLE'S OBSERVATION. Bayle was asked if a woman could keep a secret. ' There is one secret,' said he, ' and that is the only one they can keep—their age.' HIGHLAND SIMPLICITY. Last week, a young girl, fresh from the West Highlands, came on a visit to a sister she had residing in Glasgow. At the outskirts of the town she stopped at a toll-bar, and began to rap smartly with her knuckles on the gate. The keeper, amused at the girl's action, and curious to know what she wanted, came out, when she very demurely interrogated him as follows :—' Is this Clasco ?'—' Yes.'—' Is Peggy in ?' A TAILOR'S GOOSE. A dashing foreman to a tailor in Glasgow, dining in a mixed company, wished to impress those present with the immense importance of his services to his employers. ' Though I say it, that should not say it,' quoth snip,'if it was not for me, our people could not carry on their business.' 'I can very well believe you,' said one of the party, ' I never yet heard of a tailor who could carry on his business without his goose.' �17 A KING AND A PHILOSOPHER. George III., while walking one day at Windsor, met a smart little hoy, who was dressed in a suit of new clothes. The king, addressing him in his familiar way, said,' Well, my little boy, to whom do you belong ?' The boy knew the king, and answered, ' An't please your Majesty, I belong to one of his Majesty's beef-eaters.' The king was so well pleased with the little fellow that he said, ' If you bend on your knee I will allow you to kiss my hand.' ' Nay,' said the boy, ' 1 can't do that, for it would dirty all my new breeches.' QUESTION FOR QUESTION. A clergyman in Stirlingshire, catechising a number of his parishioners, asked a man of the name of Peter, 'How many years did the children of Israel sojourn in the wilderness?' To which he replied, 'Forty years. ' But can you tell me, sir,' said Peter, ' how many knives the children of Israel brought back with them from Babylon to Jerusalem ?' The clergyman paused and pondered, but could give no answer. ' Well,' said Peter, 'they just brought back twenty-nine knives ; you will find it in Ezra i. 9.' THE L A W Y E R OUTWITTED. A lawyer and his clerk riding on the road, his clerk desired to know what was the chief point of the law. His master said, if he would promise to pay for their suppers that night he would tell him, which was agreed to. ' Why, then,' said the master, ' good witnesses are the chief points in law.' When they came to the inn, the master bespoke a couple of fowls for supper ; and when they had supped, told the clerk to pay for them, according to agreement. ' Oh, sir,' says he, ' where is your good witness?' IGNORANCE OF FEAR. A child of one of the crew of his majesty's ship Peacock, during the action with the United States vessel. Hornet, amused himself with chasing a goat between decks. Not in the least terrified by destruction and death all around him, he persisted till a cannon ball took off both the hind legs of the goat, when, seeing her disabled, he jumped astride her, crying, ' Now I've caught you.' �18 'doctor,'saida person once to a surgeon,'mydaughter has had a terrible fit this morning ; she continued full half an hour without knowledge or understanding.' ' Oh,' replied the doctor, ' never mind that, many people continue so all their lives.' GRAMMAR FOR THE MILLION, A young lady at school, engaged in the study of grammar, was asked if 'kiss' was a common or proper noun. After some hesitation, she replied, ' It is both common and proper.' MODESTY. There is a young man in Cincinnati who is so modest that he will not ' embrace an opportunity.' —He would make a good mate for the lady who fainted when she heard of the naked truth. COOKERY-BOOK. ' Has that cookery-book any pictures?' said Miss C. to a bookseller. ' No, miss, none,' was the answer. ' Why,' exclaimed the witty and beautiful young lady, ' what is the use of telling us how to make a good dinner if they give us no plates !' IRISHMAN'S NOTION OF DISCOUNT. It chanced one gloomy day, in the month of December, that a good-humoured Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a bill of exchange for him at rather a long, though not an unusual date ; and the merchant having casually remarked that the bill had a great many days to run, ' That's true,' replied the Irishman, 'but then, my honey, you don't consider how short the days are at this time of the year !' Miss WILBERFORCE. When Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother—on which she was saluted with a cry of 'Miss Wilberforce for ever!'—when she pleasantly observed, 'I thank you, gentlemen; but I cannot agree with you—for really I do not wish to be Miss Wilberforce for ever!' �19 SENSIBILITY. A lady who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. ' How,' said she, 'can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death ?'--- 'Why not, madam,' said the butcher, ' you would not eat them alive, would you ?' ADVANTAGE OF TIME. A poor man being laughed at for wearing a short cloak, said, ' It will be long enough before I have done with it.' THE NEGRO AND HIS LETTER. _ A coloured man lately went to the post-office, and putting his nose close up to the delivery box, cried out, 'Louder !' The clerk supposing the negro to be deaf and that he was making a request of him to speak louder, so that he could hear, asked him in a very loud tone the name of the person for whom he wanted the letter. ' Louder !' cried the negro. ' What name ?' yelled the clerk. ' Louder !' again bawled the negro, who now supposed the clerk to be deaf. The clerk took a long breath, and with all his might again bellowed out in the negro's face the same question—' What name ?' This was done in so loud a tone, that the echo seemed to return from the far-off hills. The negro started back in alarm, shouting to the very top of his big lungs— 'Louder, sir, L O U D E R ! I told you Louder! my name is nothing else !' ' Oh, ah ! oh, oh !' said the clerk, ' your name is Louder, eh ? Didn't think of that; here's your letter.' CHARGE TO A JURY. An able and learned judge was once obliged to deliver the following charge to a jury :—' Gentlemen of the jury, in this case the counsel on both sides are unintelligible ; the witnesses are incredible ; and both the plaintiff and defendant are such bad characters, that to me it is indifferent which way you give your verdict.' SEVERE REBUKE. A French field-marshal, who had attained that rank by court favour, not by valour, received from a lady the Present of a drum, with this inscription, Made to be beaten. �20 STAGGERING DRUNK. A witness having sworn that a prosecutor was staggering drunk, the counsel, being anxious to ascertain exactly what he meant by the term, desired the witness to put himself in the same position ! A LONG RANGE. A person of Chelmsford, more ingenious than scrupulous, paid an account by a bill at 2 months ; but, on presenting it at the end of that period, the holder found it was drawn payable 2 months after death, instead of after date. HOW TO UNDERSTAND THE CURRENCY QUESTION. Open your window at one end of the room, and your door at the other, on a stormy day, and your knowledge will be complete. THREE WONDERS OF WOMEN. The daughter of a respectable gentleman, aged twenty, and possessed of no small share of personal attraction, said the other day, ' She wondered why she had not got married.' This puts one in mind of the three wonders of beautiful women. First, at fifteen they wonder who they shall take; second, at twenty-five they wonder why they are not taken ; and third, at thirty-five they wonder who they can find that will take them. NECESSARY EVILS. A gentleman was constantly in the habit of calling his servants, before their faces, ' necessary evils.' He quarrelled with one of them, who left him in a rage, said he was sick of service, and vowed that he would never enter it again. A few days after, his old master meeting him in livery, said, ' Poh ! you are gone into service again after all!' ' Ah, sir, I have found that masters are ' necessary evils.'' LOYALTY. John, an old dragoon soldier of George the Thirds time, was descanting lately to his wife Janet, and a few neighbours, on the virtues and familiarity of his sovereign, who had reviewed the regiment to which he belonged. Jane listened long with admiring patience but at length put this question,—' Was King George as great a king as Ahasuerus, John ?' ' Ahasuerus !' claimed John, with great contempt, ' Ahasuerus! he wouldn't have made a quarter-master to him.' �THE POWER OF TRUE LOVE. A girl in one of the midland counties, who has a swivel or screw eye, looked so long and affectionately on a gin bottle, that she actually drew the cork ! HYDROPATHY. A hairdresser of London was the other day suddenly and unexpectedly cured of deafness under the hydropathic system. He was assisting at a fire, when the engine played into his ear and knocked him down. He arose with his hearing completely restored. GROWING DESPERATE. Col. Greene, of the Boston Post, an old bachelor, gives the following notice in his paper of the 12th of January: ' Notice — The girls will please take notice, that leap year will end on the 31st instant.' THE ALTERNATIVE. Sir Walter Scott tells a story of a gentleman, who, irritated at some misconduct of His servant, said, ' John, either you or I must quit this house,' ' Very well, sir,' said John, 'where will your honour be ganging to ?' An Irishman being asked what he came to America for, said, ' Is't what I came here for, you mane ? Arrah, by the powers ! you may be sure that it wasn't for want, for I had plenty of that at home.' ROYAL WIT. Lord Eldon told Miss Ridley, his niece, that the king, speaking to the archbishop, Dr. Charles Manners Sutton, of his large family, used the expression, 'I believe your grace has better than a dozen.' 4 No, sire,' said the archbishop, ' only eleven.' 'Well,' replied the king, 'is not that better than a dozen ?' HINT TO EXQUISITES. A celebrated Parisian dandy was ordered, a few day; ago, by his physicians, to follow a course of sea-bathing at Dieppe. Arrived at that delightful bathing-town, he ordered a machine and attendant, and went boldly into the water. He plunged in bravely; but, in an instant After, came up puffing and blowing. ' Francis,' said he, 'the sea smells detestably; it will poison me. Throw a little, eau de Cologne into the water, or I shall be suffocated !' �22 A NATURAL MISTAKE. The late witty Samuel William Riley, author of The Itinerant, seeing a proud and solemn calf of sixty, swelling down Lord Street, Liverpool, accosted him, politely touching his hat, ' Excuse me, sir, stopping you in the street, but I just wished to inquire the rent of the house No. 10 Great George Street ?' ' Sir,' replied his haughtiness, 'I have no house in Great George Street.' 'Oh! I beg a thousand pardons, sir,' said Mr. R., 'I thought all the town belonged to you ! H I G H W A Y M A N A N D SAILOR. One of the Dover stages, on its way to London, was stopped by a single highwayman, who was informed by the coachman there were no passengers inside, and only one in the basket, and he was a sailor. The robber then proceeded to exercise his employment on the tar ; when, waking him out of his sleep, jack demanded what he wanted ; to which the son of plunder replied, ' Your money.' ' You shan't have it,' said Jack. ' No!' replied the robber: then I'll blow your brains out.' ' Blow away, then you land-lubber,' cried Jack, squirting the tobacco juice out of his mouth, 'I may as well go to London without brains as without money: drive on, coachman.' At Waterloo, a Highland regiment and the Scots Greys met in the thickest of the tight, and raised the cry of ' Scotland for ever !' 'And ould Ireland for longer!' exclaimed an Irish dragoon. DROWSY R E P L Y . Sir Edward Bulwer Lytton tells a story of a certain merchant, who, sleeping in a commercial hotel, had given orders overnight that he should be called at a particular hour. Boots was punctual. 'The morning has broke, sir,' said he, drawing the curtain. 'Let it break and go to the mischief!' replied the sleepy trader ; 'it owes me nothing!' EVILS OR W A R . One of Punch's friends who was present at the battle of Navarino, in the peaceful capacity of a passenger, received a cannon ball in his chest, which utterly destroyed a dozen shirts that were packed up in it! �23 GEORGE COLMAN THE YOUNGER. A young gentleman being pressed very hard in company to sing, even after he had solemnly assured them that he could not, observed testily that they were wanting to make a butt of him. ' No, my good sir,' said Mr. Colman, who was present, ' we only want to get a stave out of you.' M A K I N G SURE. Captain N , who lately arrived at Boston, when going up to the wharf, ordered an Irishman to throw over the buoy; and going below a few minutes, he called to the Irishman, and asked him if he had thrown the buoy. ' No,' said he, ' I could not catch the boy, but I threw over the old cook? GRACEFUL COMPLIMENT FROM A CHILD. Washington was visiting a lady in his neighbourhood, and on his leaving the house a little girl was directed to open the door. In passing the child, he said, 'I am sorry, my dear, to give you so much trouble.' 'I wish, sir,' she replied, 'it was to let you in.' CLUMSY COMFORT. An Irishman, placed at the bar, complained bitterly that he should be placed in such an awkward position, so far from friends and home. The Judge felt kindly toward him, and said—' Be calm, young man ; you mayrest assured that, although among strangers, full justice will be done you.' ' Be me soul, yer honour,' groaned Pat, ' and it's the fear of that same that throubles me !' RESULT OF F L A T T E R Y . An unsuccessful lover was asked by what means he lost his fair. ' Alas !' cried he, ' I flattered her until she got too proud to speak to me.' BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE. A lady who was very modest and submissive before Carriage, was observed by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. ' There was a time,' said her friend, when I almost imagined she had none.' ' Yes,' said the husband with a sigh, ' but it's very long SINCE.' �24 K N O W L E D G E IS P O W E R . While a worthy individual, of the march of intellect school, was 'laying down the law' the other day to a knot of acquaintances on one of the streets of Cupar, he caught the eye of a carter hard by, who had been vainly endeavouring to raise a sack of potatoes upon his cart, and who, on the instant, thus appealed to the man of knowledge—' Come awa', Mr. ; knowledge is power, ye ken—gie us a lift on wi' this poke o' taties !' A HARD WORLD. A man who came to market to dispose of his cattle, entered into conversation with another on the subject of 'hard times.' ' Yes,' said the cattle dealer with an air of peevishness, ' times are hard, and this is a hard world —and, in my opinion, very few will get out of it alive..' MAKING THE MOST OF I T . Horne Tooke was the son of a poulterer, which he alluded to when called upon by the proud striplings of Eton to describe himself ' I am,' said young Horne, ' the son of an eminent Turkey merchant.' THE VALUE OF M A R R I E D MEN. ' A little more animation, my dear,' whispered Lady B to the gentle Susan, who was walking languidly through a quadrille. £ Do leave me to manage my own business, mamma,' replied the provident nymph; ' I shall not dance my ringlets out of curl for a married man.' ' Of course not, my love; I was not aware who your partner was.' QUITE GROUNDLESS. ' I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have succeeded to a large landed property.' ' And I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is groundless.' A NOUN OF DIFFICULT DECLENSION. It is a remarkable fact, that however well young ladies may be versed in grammar, very few of them are able to decline matrimony. AN ACID DROP. 'I don't know where that boy got his bad temper--not from me, I'm sure.' ' No, my dear, for I don't perceiVe you have lost any.' � https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/ff0fbf9b48022eae2bc9f6ac47a891ca.jpg 11ede228c0a85215aa6a934c990c1ca5 Omeka Image File The metadata element set that was included in the `files_images` table in previous versions of Omeka. These elements are common to all image files. Bit Depth 8 Channels 3 Height 3102 Width 1823 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Woodcut on the title page portrays a dark-haired woman in a black dress indoors standing next to a fireplace handing a book to a dark-haired child in a white dress. Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Woodcut 041: Title-page illustration in a single ruled border of a woman in a black dress standing next to a fireplace. She is handing a book to a child in a white dress. Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Anecdote-Book: A Choice Collection of Anecdotes, Jests, Witty Sayings, Bon Mots, &amp;c., &amp;c. Selected From the Best Sources. Subject The topic of the resource Chapbooks - Scotland - Glasgow Description An account of the resource Price One Penny printed at bottom of title page 1 printed at bottom of title-page Language A language of the resource English Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context <a href="https://ocul-gue.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/permalink/01OCUL_GUE/mrqn4e/alma9953133963505154">s0098b48</a> Extent The size or duration of the resource. 24 pages Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1850 ? per University of Glasgow Union Catalogue of Scottish Chapbooks Is Referenced By A related resource that references, cites, or otherwise points to the described resource. <p dir="ltr"><span>University of Glasgow Union Catalogue of Scottish Chapbooks<br /></span><a href="http://special.lib.gla.ac.uk/chapbooks/search/">http://special.lib.gla.ac.uk/chapbooks/search/</a></p> Is Part Of A related resource in which the described resource is physically or logically included. Chapbook #26 in a bound collection of 34 chapbooks (s0098b48) Abstract A summary of the resource. A collection of jokes and anecdotes on a variety of topics, containing many &nbsp;stereotypes of people of different nationalities, occupations, class, and gender. Contributor An entity responsible for making contributions to the resource Archival and Special Collections, University of Guelph Library, Guelph, Ontario, Canada Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource JPEGs and PDF derived from master file, which was scanned from the original book in 24-bit color at 600 dpi in TIFF format using an Epson Expression 10000XL scanner. Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource In the public domain; For high quality reproductions, contact Archival & Special Collections, University of Guelph. libaspc@uoguelph.ca 519-824-4120 Ext. 53413 Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available Glasgow: Printed for the Booksellers Source A related resource from which the described resource is derived Archival & Special Collections, University of Guelph Library, Guelph, Ontario Type The nature or genre of the resource wit & humor # of Woodcuts: 1 Architecture: fireplace Architecture: house Architecture: window(s) Bib Context: title-page Chapbook Date: 1841-1850 Chapbook Date: 1851-1860 Chapbook Genre: wit & humor Chapbook Publisher - Glasgow: Printed for the Booksellers Fashion (Clothing): upper class Furniture: chair(s) Gender: girl(s) Gender: woman/women Indoor Scene Object: book(s) https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/5124fd8f80f19ea9ea1ac560c3cbfb06.jpg 443727c91e0050ec58d8ad15f03fc3ef Omeka Image File The metadata element set that was included in the `files_images` table in previous versions of Omeka. These elements are common to all image files. Bit Depth 8 Channels 3 Height 2178 Width 1381 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Woodcut on title-page portraying Prince kneeling before Sleeping Beauty seated in a fancy bed https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/4d2d0bd40e92b9037309a73256261bbe.pdf f9b8eefb76ad14640cd533d69afc19ac PDF Text Text NEW AND IMPROVED No. 48. SERIES, HISTORY OF THE SLEEPING IN THE BEAUTY WOOD. GLASGOW: PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS. 1852. Price One Penny. ��THE HISTORY OF THE SLEEPING IN THE BEAUTY WOOD. Once upon a time there lived a king and queen who had no children, which made them very unhappy indeed. Hoping, by some means or other, to have an heir, they went to consult all the fairies they could hear o f ; vows, pilgrimages, every thing was tried, but without success. A t length, however, news was proclaimed that the queen was going to have a child, and soon after she was brought to bed of a princess. The christening was the most sumptuous imaginable; and seven fairies, being all that could be found in the country,were appointed to be her godmothers, so that each of them might bestow upon her a gift, as was the. custom in those days; B y these means the princess had every possible perfection. When the ceremonies of the. baptism were over, all the company returned to the king's palace, where the most costly entertainment was prepared for the fairies ; before each of them was set a magnificent cover, with a case of massy gold, which contained a knife, a fork, and a spoon, set with diamonds and .rubies, and all of the most curious workmanship. As the company were going to place themselves at the table, an old fairy, who for more than fifty years had not left the tower she inhabited, and was believed to be either dead or enchanted, and on that account had not been invited to the christening, entered the room. The king immediately ordered a seat to be brought for her, and also a cover ; but it could not be of massy gold, because only seven had been made, being one each for the seven fairies. The old fairy, seeing that her cover was not more �4 than half so magnificent as those of her sister-fairies, thought that the king had slighted her, and muttered between her teeth that she would be revenged. One of the young fairies who sat next her, and caught the sounds that fell from her, fearing that she might bestow on the infant princess some unlucky gift, on leaving the table, went and bid herself behind the window-curtains, so that she might speak last, and thus repair as much as possible the injury intended by the old fairy. In the meantime, the fairies began to make their donations to the young princess. The first gave her for a gift, that she should be the most beautiful lady in all the world,—the next that she should have the wit of an angel,—the third, that she should do every thing she undertook with the most enchanting grace,—the fourth, that she should dance so as to delight every beholder,— the fifth, that she should sing like a nightingale,—the sixth, that she should play perfectly well on all sorts of musical instruments. It being the old fairy's turn to speak next, she came forward shaking with spite, and said,—"The gift I bestow on the princess shall be, that she shall pierce her hand with a spindle, and die of the wound." This terrible gift made the whole assembly tremble, and every one but the old fairy fell to crying violently. Just at this instant, the young fairy came out from behind the window curtains, and in a distinct voice pro- �5 pronounced the following w o r d s : — D o not, O king a n d queen, thus deeply afflict yourselves ; the princess shall not die of the wound ; for though I have not the power wholly to prevent what an older fairy than I has decreed, I can, however, make her gift prove less injurious to the princess ; accordingly, your daughter shall pierce her hand with a spindle ; but instead of dying of the wound, she shall only fall into a deep sleep, which shall continue for one hundred years, at the end of which time she shall be awakened by a young prince." The king, thinking to avoid so terrible a misfortune, had it everywhere proclaimed, that no person, on pain of death, should spin with a spindle, or even keep one in their house. About sixteen years after this, the king and queen being at one of their palaces in the country, it happened that the young princess was one day running from room to room to amuse herself; she at length found her way to a small apartment at the top of a tower, in which an old woman sat spinning with a spindle (for the poor old creature had never heard of the proclamation that had been made against spindles.) " W h a t are you doing, Goody?" said the princess; " I am spinning, my pretty lady," replied the old woman, who did not know to whom she was speaking. " Ah ! how I should like to do such pretty w o r k ! " continued the princess,—" Pray let me try." She had no sooner taken the spindle in her hand than, being very sprightly �6 and thoughtless, she ran the point of it into her hand, and instantly fell down in a sound sleep. The old woman being greatly frightened, and at a loss what to do, called out for help. Several persons immediately ran to her assistance; they threw cold water on the princess's face, cut the lace of her stays, rubbed her hands and temples with Hungary water,—-but all to no purpose, for she remained fast asleep. In the meanwhile the king had heard the news, and hastened to the old woman's apartment; but, recollecting the gift that had been made her, he very properly resolved to bear the misfortune with patience, since he could not overcome the will of a fairy. Accordingly the king ordered her to be carried to the most sumptuous �7 ous apartment in the palace, and laid on a Led made of the richest velvet, and ornamented with gold and silver. The princess, in this situation, appeared so beautiful that she might have been taken for an angel, for the deep sleep into which she had fallen did not the least injury to her fine complexion; her cheeks still resembled the most delicate roses, and her lips the finest coral ever seen; the only difference being, that her eyes, which sparkled like diamonds, were now covered by the lids. She breathed so softly, that they were quite sure she was not dead; and the king commanded that no one should attempt to disturb her repose. The kind fairy who had saved her life by thus condemning her to sleep a hundred years, was in the kingdom of Matakin, at a distance of twelve thousand leagues, when the accident happened to the princess; the news of it, however, was carried to her in a short time, by a dwarf who was her friend, and who used his seven leagued boots for the purpose ; that is, boots with which he could stride over seven leagues of ground at once. The fairy immediately set off, and in less than an hour, descended in a fiery chariot, drawn by dragons, in the outer-yard of the palace. The king hastened to welcome and assist her in getting out of the chariot, and then related what had happened. The fairy approved of all the king had done ; but having a great deal of foresight, she remarked to him, that the princess, on awaking, would be extremely ter- �8 terrified to find herself alone in so old and gloomy a palace. After thinking a few minutes what could possibly be done to remedy this inconvenience, she soon hit upon an expedient; she touched all the persons in the palace, except the king and queen, with her wand; maids of honour, governesses, waiting-women, gentlemen ushers, grooms of the bed-chamber, lords in waiting, stewards, cooks, scullions, guards, pages, and footmen, were all thrown into a sleep as sound as that of the princess. She touched also with her wand all the horses in the stables, all the grooms, all the dogs in the stable-yard, and even little Bichon, the princess's favourite lap-dog, who lay on the bed by her side : all fell fast asleep, till the time should arrive for the princess to awake, when they would be ready at a moment's warning to wait upon her. Even the very spits, and the partridges and pheasants that were roasting on them, together with the fire, were all laid asleep; and all this was concluded in a moment—for fairies are never long in performing their feats. The king and queen, after embracing their daughter tenderly, without awaking her, left the palace; and made a proclamation, that no one, on pain of death, should dare approach her. The king might, however, have saved himself this trouble: for in a quarter of an hour there sprang up round the palace a vast number of trees of all sorts and sizes, bushes and brambles, all twining one in the other, that neither man nor beast �9 could have made a passage through them. Indeed, nothing hut the turrets of the palace were to be seen above the thick wood formed by the trees, and even these only at a great distance. The fairy in this, no doubt, employed the whole skill of her art, to preserve the princess, during her long sleep, from the observation of the curious. At the end of the hundred years, the son of a reigning king, who was of a different family from that of the sleeping princess, happened to pass near the palace as he was hunting, and asked his attendants to whom the turrets and the wood belonged. They each answered him agreeably to what he had heard of the place. Some of them said, it was an old castle that was haunted by ghosts; others, that all the witches in the country assembled in it to hold their nightly meetings ; but the most common opinion was that it was inhabited by an ogre, who retired within its walls to devour all the children he ran away with, where he could eat them without fear of pursuit, since no one but himself could get through the wood; when an old peasant approached him and said,— " May it please your royal highness, I was told more than fifty years ago, by my father, who heard it from my grandfather, that there was concealed in this palace a princess of most exquisite beauty, who was condemned by a fairy to sleep a hundred years, and was then to be awakened by the son of a king, who was to be her husband." �10 The young prince listened eagerly to this discourse, and thought he must be the prince intended by the fairy to awake her; and, hurried on by gallantry and love, he resolved on entering the palace. Scarcely had he reached the wood, before the trees, the bushes, and the brambles, separated of themselves to let him pass. He proceeded towards the palace, which he perceived at the end of a long avenue, and soon entered it. But what did not a little surprise him was, that none of his attendants had been able to follow him ; for the trees, bushes, and brambles, again entwined with each other as soon as he had passed through them. Notwithstanding this, he pursued his way to the palace ; for a young prince in love is always valiant. He entered a spacious court, where every thing he saw might have terrified the stoutest heart in the world. All the men and animals that had been laid asleep were stretched on the ground, and appeared as if they were dead, and there was a dreadful silence through all the palace. After a little time, however, he perceived, by the red faces of the men-servants, that they were only asleep ; and as there was still some beer left in the bottom of their cups, he saw plainly that they had fallen asleep while drinking. The prince next went through a large court paved with marble, which led to a staircase: this he ascended, and came to the chamber of the guards, who were all standing in ranks with their muskets on their shoulders, �11 and snoring with all their might. He continued his way through several other apartments, which were filled with ladies and gentlemen, some sitting, some standing, but all fast asleep. A t length he came to an apartment gilded all over with gold, in which was a magnificent bed, with the curtains drawn back, and a young lady about sixteen years of ago, more beautiful than any one he had ever seen. After gazing upon her With the greatest delight for a few minutes, he could not help falling upon his knees to her as if she had been awake. The enchantment of the fairy being thus ended, the princess opened her eyes, and casting them on the prince with a look of more tenderness than is common at first sight,—-"Is it you, my prince?" said she; " H o w long you have made me wait for y o u ! " The prince, delighted at these words, and still more at the sweet tone of voice in which she pronounced them, was at a loss how to express his gratitude and. joy. He assured her that he loved her better than he did himself; and this, with many other expressions of the same kind, he repeated a thousand and a thousand times. The princess on her part was by no means backward; for, though history mentions no such thing, yet we may very well suppose that her good friend the fairy caused her during her long sleep to have the most agreeable dreams. In short, they talked for more than four hours together, without saying half of what they wished. �12 " W h a t happiness, beautiful princess!" said the prince, looking at her with the greatest tenderness imaginable,—"what happiness, to be able to do you such a service, to see you smile so sweetly, and to bo thus rewarded by your love !—to think that the most powerful prince upon the earth could not have performed what I have done, in breaking the cruel enchantment that condemned you to sleep so long!" " Ah ! dear prince," replied she, " I feel that we were made for each other. It was you I saw ; it was you who were my companion ; and during my long sleep I thought of no one but you. I knew very well that he that should end my enchantment would be the handsomest of men, that he would love me more than himself, and the moment I cast my eyes upon you I knew you perfectly." �13 In the meanwhile all the attendants who had been asleep the same time as the princess, were awaked, and had set about their business ; but as they were not, like the princess, in love, they found themselves extremely hungry, for it was very long since they had eaten any thing. The first maid of honour, who was as sharp set as the rest, even ventured to tell the princess, without any ceremony, that the dinner was served. The prince then assisted the princess to rise. She was ready dressed, and in the most magnificent clothes imaginable ; but he took great care not to tell her that they were like those of his great-grandmother, and that she had a ruff round her neck, which, however, did not in the least diminish her beauty. He took her hand, and conducted her to the room in which the dinner was served ; as soon as they had seated themselves at table, the musicians, who were in readiness with their instruments, began to play some airs, which, though they were out of fashion, were nevertheless extremely agreeable. The prince and princess passed the evening delighted with each other's company, and as a long courtship was not necessary, they agreed to be married that very night. The lord almoner was consulted, and he consented to perform the ceremony, provided the chapel could be got ready (for it was very dusty, and full of cobwebs.) There were plenty of hands willing to be employed on �14 such an occasion, so that the chapel was soon swept, the crimson velvet hangings neatly brushed, and the books nicely dusted. When all was ready, my lord almoner led the way in his canonical robes, with his mitre on his head, and preceded by half a dozen servants in the richest liveries that can be imagined, bearing each a lighted torch,— then followed six beautiful boys in white surplices, with censers in their hands, perfuming the air with the most aromatic sweets,—after them followed the prince and princess, hand in hand ; they walked in silence, but the delight which sparkled in their eyes showed how well pleased they were,—next followed the maids of honour, the gentlemen and ladies of the bed-chamber, the lords in waiting, and in short the whole court. They were all magnificently dressed, but, as you may suppose, their clothes were rather old-fashioned. So soon as the ceremony was performed, they returned to a magnificent banquet where the company enjoyed themselves to a very late hour. The next morning, the prince reflected that he had been guilty of a very groat fault in marrying without having previously asked the consent of his parents; he was in great perplexity how he should get over this reprehensible act of disobedience, and at last concluded that he would say nothing about it, until a favourable opportunity offered ; not but what he could readily have obtained the pardon of the king his father, who was a very good and benevolent man, but the queen his mother was descended from the race of cannibal giants called Ogres ; and though some generations had passed, she still retained their horrid inclinations, and had all the difficulty in the world, when she saw little children pass to refrain from falling on them, and eating them up. The prince, therefore, resolved not to say one word at home of his marriage, and took the opportunity, under pretence of hunting, to visit his beautiful princess three or four times a-week. Ho lived in this way some years, and had in that time two children ; the eldest of which, who was a daughter, was named MORNING, and the youngest, who was a son, they called DAY, because he was much handsomer and more beautiful than his sister. �15 The queen suspecting that those frequent huntings, at all seasons, was only a pretence to colour some other engagements, had the prince watched, and found that he always left his party when he came to the wood, and retired into i t ; she therefore resolved, the very first opportunity she had, to unriddle the mystery. An opportunity soon offered—for the emperor Cantalabutte having declared war against the king, the prince was appointed generalissimo, and went at the head of the army to defend the kingdom against this powerful adversary. The queen, as soon as the prince was departed, lost no time in going to the wood, entered it,-—and soon arrived at the castle, and, pretending to be much fatigued, asked leave to rest herself, which the young princess not only readily granted, but ordered refreshments to be set before her. The queen made herself known, and the princess, in the height of her surprise, could not help exclaiming,—" What! the mother of my prince, of my adored husband ? " An explanation soon ensued. The queen then asked to see the children, which were brought to her. Their beautiful white skins and tender years made the Ogreish queen's mouth to water and eyes to twinkle, and it was with much ado she refrained from giving them a bite, when she took them up to kiss them. The queen soon after took her leave, promising the princess that she would procure her pardon of the king, and come in a few days and take her from that old ruinous castle, as she was pleased to style it, and introduce her at court. But it was far from the intentions of this wicked cannibal to mention the affair to the king, who certainly would have protected the princess and his grand-children : what she said was only a stratagem to get them into her power. In a few days the queen came again in a close carriage, saying that the king wished to receive his daughter-in-law and grandchildren in a private manner, previous to introducing them at court. The princess readily entered the carriage with her children ; and the queen, instead of carrying her to the court, brought her to a little country-house she had, situated in a deep glen, entirely surrounded with woods �16 and rocks. Here the queen resolved to gratify her horrible longings. She was, however, obliged to defer this pleasure for a few days, because her cook was not yet arrived, nor had she prepared the sauce which she usually had at these delicious feasts. In about a week the queen made another excursion to her country-house, taking with her the sauce and the cook. Having paid her respects to the princess, and kissed the children, she called the cook aside, and said to him,—" I have a mind to eat little MORNING for my dinner to-morrow!" " A h ! madam," cried the cook, "pray consider the pretty creature is your grand-daughter." " I will have it so," replied the queen in an angry tone, " fail not at your peril; and let her be well seasoned, and with plenty of my favourite sauce." poor man, knowing very well that he must not play tricks with Ogresses, took his great knife, and went up into little MORNING'S chamber very early the next day, intending to kill her before breakfast; but the pretty little girl, who, thinking that he had brought her some sugar-candy, ran up to him, jumping and laughing, and caught him round the neck. This so affected the poor man that he could not refrain from tears ; so, instead of killing her, he carried her to a little room he had at the bottom of the garden, and killed a little lamb, and dressed it so excellently, that his mistress assured him she had never eaten any thing so good in her life. As soon as the wicked queen returned home in the evening, the cook carried little MORNING to the castle in the wood, which had been abandoned by its inhabitants after the princess had left it, and brought his wife and servant to attend her. About eight days afterwards, the queen paid them another visit, and told the cook that she would eat little DAY. He returned no answer, being resolved to cheat her as he had done before; so, after hiding little DAY, he killed a young kid, which he cooked so very nicely, that the Ogress was quite delighted with it. When the queen was gone, he also conducted little DAY to his wife in the old castle. This was hitherto all well: on her next visit, this wicked queen said to him,-—"I will eat the young princess with the same The �17 sauce I had with her children. It was now that the poor cook despaired of being able to deceive her; and, to save his own life, he resolved to kill the princess. In order to execute his purpose, he put himself into a great passion, and rushed into her chamber with a dagger drawn ; but, on seeing the princess, he respectfully told her the orders he had received from the wicked queen, — " Come, do it, do i t ! " said she, "and then I will go to my poor children whom I love so dearly." " No, no, madam," cried the poor cook, all in tears, " you shall not die; and you shall see your children again; only conceal yourself until the queen is gone, and I will take you to them." The princess was overjoyed at this unexpected news, and promised to keep herself very close. The cook then went and dressed in her stead a young hind, which the queen had for her supper, and devoured it with the same appetite as if it had been the young princess. Delighted with her cruelty, she then invented a story to deceive her son ; and, as she returned home, she caused it to be noised about that the wood in which the castle was situated was infested by a banditti, who murdered and destroyed every one that came in their way. In the meantime, the cook, so soon as the queen was departed, carried the princess to her children. The transports of this amiable mother, and the caresses of her affectionate children, were without bounds; but, alas! their troubles were not yet at an end. The queen, soon after her arrival at home, found that a peace was nearly concluded, and expecting her son, found, in order to deceive him, she had no time to lose ; she therefore took the soldiers and entered the castle to see that all was as she left it. On her approach she heard the sound of voices, and then bursts of laughter; she crept softly to an open window, and peeping in, saw the princess, her two children, the cook and his wife, playing at blind-man's-buff, while the maid-servant was looking on and laughing. She uttered such a terrible yell that it struck horror to their hearts; they instantly stopped their merriment, and instinctively turned their eyes to the window, when they encountered the furious looks and imp-like gestures of the Ogress queen. She �18 then called for her guards with an enraged voice, who, supposing she was surrounded by the banditti, ran to her assistance in haste. She commanded them instantly to strip and bind the princess, her two children, the cook, his wife, and their maid. She then ordered the large brewing copper to be filled with oil, and a fire to be lighted under it, intending, as soon as it boiled, to put them all in, as the most cruel death she could devise. While the oil was heating, she exulted over her unfortunate victims, every now and then pricking them with pins, and enjoying the pain it put them to. The oil was now on the point of boiling, and the poor creatures expected in a few minutes that they should be plunged into it. The queen approached the copper in order to try if the oil was sufficiently heated for her diabolical purpose, when the princess took the opportunity of kneeling down with her children to implore the divine mercy. At this awful moment, a sudden cry of " Make way! make w a y ! " was heard ; when instantly, on a horse all covered with foam, entered the prince; he was struck with astonishment at seeing his amiable wife and lovely children in this situation. The queen, overcome with rage, disappointment, and shame, instantly threw herself headlong into the boiling oil, which she had intended for her victims, and died in great agonies. prince could not but be very sorry, for she was his mother, although an Ogress. He, however, comforted himself in the reflection that he had so opportunely saved his dear wife and children. He now resolved to take his family to court, where they arrived the next day. The king received them very affectionately, and being much hurt at the ill conduct of the deceased queen, and, convinced of his son's ability to govern, by the able manner that he negotiated the peace, he resigned his crown to him, and retired to a palace he had in the country. The prince and princess, now king and queen, lived long and happy, and were succeeded by little DAY, who became a great king, and who took care, by the example of his father, not to marry without the consent of his parents. The �CHARLES AND JOHN, AND THE LITTLE DOG WORTHY. THIS story is about two little boys, who were nearly of the same age: the name of the one was Charles, and that of the other John. If Charles did any thing that was wrong he always told his parents of it; and, when asked about any thing he had said or done, he was sure to tell the truth ; so that this good boy was beloved by every body ; but all who knew his brother John would not believe a word he said, he was in the practice of telling so many lies. When he was guilty of any thing that was wrong, he did not do as his brother did (for he never told his parents the truth;) and, on being questioned about it, he would deny ever having done the things of which he was accused. It was for fear of being punished for his faults that John always told so many lies, and would never confess of what he had been guilty. great coward, and could never bear the least pain ; but his brother Charles was a courageous boy, and could bear punishment for his little faults. He was never punished so much by his parents for the little faults he committed, as his brother John was for the lies he told when they were found out. These two little boys were playing together one evening in a room by themselves; their mother was engaged in an adjoining room, and their father was not in the house, so there was no person in the room but Charles and John together; but only Worthy, a little dog, which was lying by the side of the fire. This little dog, Worthy, was a nice playful creature, and both the boys were very fond of him. " S e e ! " said John to Charles, "Worthy is lying beside the fire there, asleep ; let us rouse him, and we shall get him to play with us." Besides, he was a �20 " With all my heart," said Charles; and both the boys ran to the fireside to awaken the little dog. Now there was standing upon the hearth a basin of milk, and, as they did not observe it, (for it was placed behind them,) they began to make rare fun in playing with the dog ; but unfortunately they kicked over the basin with their feet, and broke it, and the whole milk ran over the hearth and all around on the floor. Now, when the little boys saw what had happened, they were very much alarmed, and sorry for what they had done ; but not knowing what to do, they for some time stood staring at the mishap they had occasioned, without speaking one word. At last John spoke, " Alas !" said he, " we shall have no milk for supper tonight !" and he gave a deep sigh. " No milk for supper to-night!—for what reason ? " replied Charles. " Is there no more milk in the house?" " Yes, but we shall have none of i t ; for don't you remember that mamma, the last time we spilled the milk, said, should the like happen in our hands again, we should have none for supper that night?" " I f that is the case," said Charles, " w e must go without it, that's all; there is no great harm in wanting milk for once. In the meantime let us tell mamma what has happened ; so come away, John." " Well, so I will; but where's all the hurry; can't you stop a little ? " Charles did so; but still John pleaded for delay, saying, " He was so afraid he could not go." Children, both boys and girls, I advise you never to seek for excuses of this kind; never say, " Stop a minute, or stop a little," for reparations of faults cannot be made too soon. Well, hear what happened to John :—The longer he lingered the more unwilling he felt to accompany his brother Charles ; at last he pulled his hand away from him, positively refusing to acknowledge his share in the spilling of the milk, saying, " That his brother might go himself, for he should not." " S o I shall," said Charles; "and I only waited for you that I might put you in humour—thinking you would like to tell mamma the truth in this matter." �21 " The truth!" replied John, " I don't wish to deny it; but it is time enough when one is asked ; mamma will see the milk when she comes here." Charles waited no longer, but set off himself in search of his mother, whom he expected to find in the next room ironing; but as she was not there he ran off to the garden, under the notion that he should find her there. John being now left alone, began to cast about how he should get himself out of the scrape. " If we were both," thought he, " to say that we were not concerned in spilling the milk, mother would be sure to believe us, and there would be no more of the matter." While he was contriving these excuses, he heard his mother coming up the stair—"Oh, o h ! " said he, " s o mamma has not been in the garden after all, and Charles has not seen her; now I may say what I please." So this cowardly sneaking boy resolved to tell his mamma a downright falsehood Of course, when she entered the room, her eye immediately caught the broken dish and the spilled milk. " Pray, John," said she, " what has been the cause of this ?" " I don't know, ma'am," said John. "You don't know ?—I think you do know; and if such is the case, you had better at once tell the truth—you know how often I have cautioned you against telling fibs. The worst is, should you have spilled the milk, that you will lose a part of your supper; but rather than tell a lie I would sooner you had broken fifty basins; so I ask you again,—John, did you spill the milk?" " No, ma'am," again repeated John, in a low tone of voice, while he coloured up to the ears. " Then where's Charles? did he do i t ? " " N o , " said John, " h e did n o t ; " for he had some thoughts that when Charles appeared, he would be persuaded to back him in his naughty falsehood. " A n d how do you know," rejoined his mother, "that Charles did not do it ? " " W h y , mamma—because—because," and here John �22 stammered and hesitated so, that his guilt was quite evident— " because I was in the room all the time, and did not see him do it." Being farther questioned, John went on from one lie to another; at last he said he supposed the dog did it. " Did you see Worthy do it ?" " Yes," said this wicked boy. " F i e , fie, W o r t h y ! " said John's mother, " s o it is you that is in the fault! I must really chastise you." She then ordered John to get her a switch. John ran to the garden to get a switch, and on his way met Charles returning, to whom he told what had happened, begging him not to expose him, but to say what he had done. " N o , I sha'n't tell a lie," said Charles, " a n d have poor Worthy beat into the bargain. I shall tell mamma the whole truth." They ran into the house, John striving to prevent Charles from telling his mother. John threw in the switch, and, being somewhat stronger, he kept Charles back. In the meantime the switch was just about to fall on poor Worthy's back, when Charles, who had made his way round by the window, called out to her to stop. He then told the story just as it happened. A t the same moment John's father came in sight, and being told what had happened, he snatched up the switch, for what purpose John easily foresaw; so, falling on his knees, he besought him for mercy, crying out he should never again be guilty of telling lies. " B u t I shall whip you now," said his father, " a n d we shall see how you keep your word for the future." So John was whipt, till he roared out so that the whole neighbourhood heard him. " There now," said his father, is the reward of disobedience and wickedness—you have got a sound whipping , and you shall besides go to your bed supperless. See how liars are served!" Then, turning to Charles, he said, " Charles, as for you, I shall keep my word so far as to deprive you of milk to-night; that for once is easily borne ; but as a compensation, and to mark my satisfaction with your behaviour, I make you a present of Worthy; he will be to you a kind and affectionate �23 servant, and it will be your part to use him well. Henceforward he shall be called Charles! and, wife, whenever you are asked by any of the neighbouring children why Worthy's name is changed to Charles, tell them the story of the two boys : they will then see how differently it fares between a liar and a boy who tells the truth." SOLEMN P R O H I B I T I O N Ross, Mr.Walter writer to the signet, Edinburgh, by way of protecting his property from midnight marauders, published the following handbill " Thou shalt not steal! All persons whom it may concern are desired to take notice that steel traps, of the largest size, for catching breakers of the eighth commandment, are every night placed in the garden of St. Bernard's between Stockbridge and the Water of Leith, on the north side of the water; that spring-guns are set to rake the walls with shot upon the touch of a wire, and that a tent, having in it an armed watchman, is pitched in the middle, with orders to fire without mercy. If, therefore, any evil-disposed person or persons shall attempt to break into the grounds of St. Bernard's, their blood be upon their own heads !-—Amen." This seemed very well for some time ; but, at length, a suspicion arose that the arrangements were all of a fictitious nature, and the boys and blackguards of the city began to pick up their scattered courage. On learning that such was the state of matters, Mr. Ross adopted the strangest expedient that could perhaps have entered the head of a country gentleman. He procured a limb of a corpse from the Royal Infirmary, dressed it in a stocking, shoe and buckle, and sent it through the streets of the city with the public crier, proclaiming that it had been found last night in the grounds at St. Bernard's, and that it would be restored to the owner on being properly vouched. The garden of St. Bernard's was no more broken. �� https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/0b06f4143fed6e21e9ddf018f32281f8.jpg 8695557e500264717e9861dc06b2fde2 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Woodcut on title-page portraying Prince kneeling before Sleeping Beauty seated in a fancy bed https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/f824808b6f50a7eb60c415cc2579d371.jpg 355cc86d92bb1a81f82f0fe81ebedcf5 https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/c0e09769fb192c6a6c7786ea8188a94d.jpg 81ebaf04dcaae95344f8ef2014dc83b6 https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/ee37644df64f366e1fd847428d9cacbc.jpg c72d9ecc9f8c8d325dec14879149030f Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource page includes a woodcut from Sleeping Beauty in the Woods depicting a seated king and queen at a table with fairies wearing pointed hats, and an elderly fairy standing with a cane https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/28cca5158e2d6cfb0f1cd5aab7e30410.jpg d244d477c8df945509ec0f6e6020dd86 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource page include a woodcut from Sleeping Beauty in the Woods depicting a king and queen seated on a throne with fairies wearing pointed hats on either side and laying in front of the king and queen is a baby in a cradle, with an elder fairy pointing her cane at the baby. https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/3be90c2bdbbe586558825ba280bd36ca.jpg f0d1dc8204465b185fd759932aa844d8 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource page include two woodcuts from Sleeping Beauty in the Woods. Woodcut on top of the page is depicting an elderly cloaked woman seated with a spindle in her hand and a young princess entering the room through an open door frame. Woodcut on the bottom half of the page is depicting a elderly women holding a collapsed princess in her arms as a king enters the room through an open door. https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/cdd8e03f2bb421c4d9db9982229d5c98.jpg 5992666d6205b0b554c44edec1b66209 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource pages include a woodcut from Sleeping Beauty in the Woods depicting a king and queen wearing crowns gathered around the bedside of a sleeping princess. https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/94948cedb9da9348dc0f1556122b5b55.jpg 4d7a8bc54dddf42e05c33db5c31a4395 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource page includes a woodcut from Sleeping Beauty in the Woods depicting a cloaked fairy exiting a fiery chariot drawn by dragons, with the assistance of a king wearing a cape and crown. https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/0695974acb4300061b3a20e50d947eb8.jpg 4b3e76dfc84f670416375767c428afea Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource page includes a woodcut from Sleeping Beauty in the Woods depicting a prince wearing a feathered hat and cape leaning against his horse while speaking to an elderly peasant with a cane in the woods. https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/046a7690489e90a049e4bd2aac7f4652.jpg 70f73deed7d1f9c55db748bfd3ae38ec Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource page includes a woodcut from Sleeping Beauty in the Woods depicting a prince wearing a feathered hat and cape in a courtyard who has discovered men-servants fast asleep with beer still shown in their cups. https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/746b6d3a471e08aa7ffd832900b27448.jpg 4acc397875e7a60ab909b6a06ff2a310 Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource page includes a woodcut from Sleeping Beauty in the Woods depicting a prince wearing a feathered hat and cape in a dark room watching a sleeping princess in her bed. https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/7effd5b811f8970ee7e2155e61da2518.jpg 34cd573199a2e8dcd3ca0d4fbef5f4bb Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource page includes the same woodcut found on the title page depicting a prince kneeling before Sleeping Beauty seated in a fancy bed. https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/fd9eff21587dec015bbb46f90ac98587.jpg a801a597be9cf65ae96610fe0b328c1e Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource page includes a woodcut from Sleeping Beauty in the Woods depicting a prince wearing a feathered hat and cape pointing towards an open door while holding the hand of an awoken princess who is wearing a long gown and cape. https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/e0652e78527378755e8a561cd60f2323.jpg b9b47a0305e754f27505f8ce6934a60d https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/c313dd10f96d128bab5c66c059f75cf3.jpg 638a8babbe63c847e87414152344826d https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/2d8c8cc0facfaa74d3d75f6f5f78a1dd.jpg 7e71c5b8e87e8c8bdd5a5465144de288 https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/f71da0c82444c95ffd2bae860af1d137.jpg 0058301a30f7a25fda0990b3d14499f6 https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/7c6c2b44b220b1327a9ad2ccd833f118.jpg dafa1ce496e169ae6f9de65bc95a6525 https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/c7192433867e05d649fa9fa4a26f858a.jpg 18095583f9e9d81ba0c030fdfa6fc1c9 https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/22c3b741280e310dbb6a6e0734de5b3c.jpg ed294c73a05c82c008958ea15b482d7a https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/f076bb3a9a5481a7f0dee227ffd8ca55.jpg 5068488a53ef599436ed7a28410e8f3b https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/1fe9c9fc0c86e3cd832441dc6771985d.jpg 99913dafd3f900c5589b0226890da658 https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/9d8a371f4327d91987eb380f3af30750.jpg 4bbc2a7bbd0d6263631c615d43e617dc https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/8472e0789a9c5e28cdfe552273994c30.jpg 6a746d768886197e39c6f0617160a19b Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Woodcut 008_a: Title-page illustration in double-ruled rectangular border of a well dressed man wearing a cape and holding a feathered cap kneeling before a woman, who is seated in a large canopy bed. Document A resource containing textual data. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre text. Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource History of the Sleeping Beauty in the Wood.&nbsp;New and Improved Series, No. 48 Subject The topic of the resource Fairy Tales & Folklore Chapbooks - Scotland - Glasgow Courtship and Marriage Crime Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1852 Contributor An entity responsible for making contributions to the resource Archival and Special Collections, University of Guelph Library, Guelph, Ontario, Canada. Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource In the public domain; For high quality reproductions, contact Archival &amp; Special Collections, University of Guelph. libaspc@uoguelph.ca, 519-824-4120, Ext. 53413 Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context <a href="https://ocul-gue.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/permalink/01OCUL_GUE/mrqn4e/alma9923335093505154">s0094b28</a> Extent The size or duration of the resource. 24 pages 15 cm Is Referenced By A related resource that references, cites, or otherwise points to the described resource. <p>University of Glasgow Union Catalogue of Scottish Chapbooks<br /><a href="http://special.lib.gla.ac.uk/chapbooks/search/">http://special.lib.gla.ac.uk/chapbooks/search/</a></p> Abstract A summary of the resource. Part of a series of fairy tales printed by the booksellers. The first tale presented tells the classic tale of Sleeping Beauty with a few twists, including the continuation of the story after the Prince rescues the Sleeping Beauty. In this version, the Prince marries the Princess without informing his parents first, and he keeps their marriage as a secret for many years, even after the birth of a son and daughter. The Prince’s mother, descended from Ogres, finds out about the hidden family and resolves to eat all of them. The cook pities the poor family and tricks the Queen into eating a lamb, a kid, and a hind instead. When the Queen discovers the deception, she flies into a fury and is about to boil them all in oil when she is stopped by the timely arrival of the Prince, whereupon she throws herself into the oil instead. This tale is followed by the story of, “Charles and John, and the Little Dog Worthy,” which is a moral tale about two boys and the just punishment for little boys who tell falsehoods. In the end of the tale, the dog, Worthy, is renamed “Charles!” in honour of the boy who chose to tell the truth. Following this tale is a short anecdotal account of a solicitor in Edinburgh who, attempting to protect his property from thieves, published a fictitious handbill proclaiming an elaborate but fictitious series of deadly defenses protecting the property. When thieves grew bold again, the gentleman procured a limb of a corpse from the Royal Infirmary to be paraded around the streets of Edinburgh in search of its “owner.” Language A language of the resource English Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource JPEGs and PDF derived from master file, which was scanned from the original book in 24-bit color at 600 dpi in TIFF format using an Epson Expression 10000XL scanner. Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available Glasgow: Printed for the Booksellers Source A related resource from which the described resource is derived Archival & Special Collections, University of Guelph Library, Guelph, Ontario Type The nature or genre of the resource fairytale/folk lore # of Woodcuts: 12 Architecture: castle Architecture: window(s) Bib Context: title-page Chapbook Date: 1851-1860 Chapbook Publisher - Glasgow: Printed for the Booksellers Fashion (Clothing): cape Fashion (Clothing): dress Fashion (Clothing): feather bonnet Fashion (Clothing): pants Fashion (Clothing): upper class Furniture: bed Gender: man/men Gender: woman/women Indoor Scene Monarch: prince Monarch: princess https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/170d1c1d81b57d9718c801555ffcd207.pdf 87612f2f3d8482fceb4dfe44421620f6 PDF Text Text THE SCRAP-BOOK: A SELECTION OF THE BEST JOKES, PUNS, COMIC SAYINGS, JONATHANISMS, &c., &c. GLASGOW? PRINTED FOr THE BOOKSELLERS. Price One Penny. 2 ��THE SCRAP-BOOK. A gentleman, complaining to his bootmaker that a pate of boots recently sent were too short, and that he wanted a pair to cover the whole calf, had the following jeu sent to him :— d'esprit These boots were never made for me, They are too short by half; I want them long enough, d'ye see, To cover all the calf. Why, sir, said Last, with stifled smile, To alter them I'll try; But if they cover all the calf \ They must be;five feet high. A gentleman, who had gained a handsome fortune by unremitted industry, was once accosted with, ' I say, John, why don't you have a coat of arms on your arms ; when I first came into L I wore a coat carriage without An elderly lady, telling her age, remarked that she was born on the 22d of April. Her husband, who was present, observed, * I always thought you were born on the first of April.' ' People might well judge so,' responded A gentleman remarking that he had lost his watch through the carelessness of a servant, in leaving the house concluded by saying—' However, it was a poor one. Miss B. replied, ' Why, sir, a gentleman like you should have kept a better watch: Unguarded, A gentleman looking at his watch, just after midnight, it is to-morrow morning ! i must bid you goodnight arms.' ?' ' Oh !' said th the matron, ' in the �4 * That's what I call a repetition,' exclaimed a friend the other day. 4 What's that, Tom ?' said we. 4 Why, look at that sign across the way—J. E. Weller, jeweller.' lAm I not a little pale inquired a lady, who was rather short and corpulent, of a crusty old bachelor. 4 You look more like a big tub,' was the blunt reply. An Irishman fights before he reasons; a Scotchman reasons before he fights ; an Englishman is not accommodate his customers, particular A recent philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned ! 4 How—how—how?' we hear everybody asking. Never run in debt. 4 How beautiful,' said a lady, 4 the face of nature looks after undergoing a shower !' 4 Yes, madam, and so would yours"; after undergoing a similar process.' Dr. Samuel Johnson, when travelling in Invernessshire think we have been deviating the last half hour.' 4 Like 4 but I've been divoting here eneuch,' replied the man, sin' six o'clock this morning.' w A pretty girl was lately complaining to a friend that she had a cold, and was sadly plagued in her lips by chaps (cracks or clefts.) 4 Friend,' said Obadiah, 4 thee should never suffer the chaps to come near thy lips.' An American physician announces that he has changed his residence to the neighbourhood of the churchyard, which he hopes may prove a convenience to his numerous pa When Bishop Aylmer observed his congregation inattentive, he used t Bible, at which the people naturally stared with astonishment. listening to what concerned them not, while they were inattentive to matters in which their best interests were deeply involved. If wisdom's ways you'd wisely seek, Five things observe with care: Of whom you speak—to whom you speak—• And how—and when—and where. �5 4 What is light ? asked a schoolmaster of the booby of a class. 1 A sovereign that isn't full weight is light,' was the prompt reply. If your sister, while tenderly engaged in a tender conversation a glass of water from an ad joining room, you can start on the errand, but you need not return. You will not be missed, that's certain—we've seen it tried. Don't forget this, little boys. Lord Campbell tells of a judge who wound up a one-pound note, in this horribly facetious manner:—4 And I trust that, through the merits and mediation of our blessed Redeemer, you may there experience that mercy which a due regard to the credit of the paper currency of the country forbids you to hope for here.' with her tender sweetheart, as sentence of death, at because you can catc 4 Illustrated with cuts,' said a young urchin, as he drew his jack-knife across the leaves of his spelling-book. "Which travels fastest, heat or cold ? Heat does ; Why is an infant like a diamond ? Because it is a dear little thing. A correspondent asks, 4 Whom do the papers mean by Our Foreign Relations?' Why, our Cousins-German, of course. Dr. Franklin, talking of a friend of his who had been a Manchester dealer, said, 4 That he never sold a piece of tape narrower than his own mind/ There is a man at Gravesend so mean, that he wishes his landlord to reduce the price of his board, because he has had two of his teeth extracted. A fop, just returned to England from a continental tour, was asked how he liked the ruins of Pompeii. ' Not very well,' was the reply ; 4 they are so dreadfully out of repair!' During a consultation of physicians on the character of a Bacchanalian patient, how to cure his fever, and abate his thirst, the sick man observed, ' Gentlemen, if you will cure the fever, I will take half the trouble off your hands, and abate the thirst myself.' �6 A glass of soda water was offered the other day to an Irishman, who rejected it with the greatest indignation. 4 Do you think I am a salamander,' said he, 4 to drink water boiling hot V By Mac and 0 , you'll always know True Irishmen, they say; For if they lack both '0 and Mac, No Irishmen are they. Law and logic are like a piece of india-rubber, easily pulled into any shape. An amorous swain told the story of his heart's affections with a microscope. Fatal gift! she viewed his imperfections thr An authoress speaks of boys of eighteen or twenty as having arrived at an 4 age of detestability.' In a certain benighted part of the country may be seen, on the outside of a humble cottage, the following inscription in 4 A Seminary for Young Ladies This was, perhaps, too abstruse for the villagers, as immediately und 4 Notey Beny—Allso, a Gals skool.' An Irishman some time ago was committed to the House of Correction for a misdemeanour, and sentenced to work on the tread-wheel for the space of a month. He observed, at the expiration of his task,—4 What a grate dale of fatigue and botheration it would have saved us poor crathers, if they had but invinted it to go by stheeme, like all other water-mills; for burn me if I have not been afther going up stairs for this four weeks, but could not reach the chamber-door at all, at all.' A Dutch householder, bragging of his worldly gear, writes:— I've got a pig cat and I've got a pig tog, I've got a pig calf and I've got a pig hog, I've got a pig baby so pig and so tall, And I've got a pig vife dat's pigger as all. 4 Class in spelling, come up and recite.' * yeth, thir. spell effects; 4 F-X.' ' r i g h t , Next, spell seedy, 4C-D: 4 right again.' 4 John, �7 Why are young ladies like arrows ? all in a quiver when the beaus come. BecauSe they are Why is a talkative young man like a young pig ? An Irishman being informed that it was the intention of the government to call out the militia, made the where I'm quartered.' Because, following if he lives, he reply:—' I'm hanged if I care Why is a good sermon like a kiss ? Do you give it up ? Because it only requires two heads and an application I ' I do declare, Sal, you look pretty enough to eat. ' Well, Solomon, ain't 1 eating as fast as I can ? replied Sal, with her mouth full. ' Barber, I think this towel has been in use long enough !' 'It has been used more than six weeks, and no one has ever found fault with it before.' A romantic youth promenading in a fashionable street of New York, picked up a thimble. He stood awhile, meditating upon the probable beauty of the owner, when he pressed it to his lips, saying, 4 Oh that it were the fair cheek of the wearer !' Just as he had finished, a stout elderly negress looked out of an upper window, and said, 4 Massa, jist please to bring dat fimble of mine in de entry—I jist drapt it.' Two Irishmen meeting one day, one of them inquired of the other if he had seen his friend Pat Murphy lately: 1 For,' said he, ' he has grown so thin that you would not know him at all. You are thin, and I am thin, but, by the powers, he is thinner than both of us put together.' 1 Sambo, whar you get dat watch you wear to meetin' lass Sunday ? 4 how you know hab watch ? 4 Bekase I seed de chain hang out de pocket in front.' ' Go 'way, nigger ! ' Spose you see halter round my neck, you tink dar is horse inside ob me ? ^ A person in want of an occupation, and advertising for the same in the Times, informs the world, that 4 The advertiser being highly respectable, suit.' ^ This gentleman seems to be somewhat less consequential logically than he is personally. Hi given as K.—Should it not have been'S.N.O.B. ? �8 * Colonel W is a fine-looking man, isn't he ? said a friend the other day. ' Yes,' replied another ; 4 1 was taken for him once.' 4 You ! why you're as ugly as sin.' ' I don't care for that, I was taken for him once—I A witness in an Irish Court of Justice stated that he was suddenly roused from his slumbers by a blow on his head. ' And how did you find yourself ? asked the endorsed coun 4 If you are a cingle man, Pik, taik my advice, and stay so ; or, if you will marry—if you mus have a wyf— never permit yourself to be overcum by a widder ? Thems the sentiments of one who has tried and noes.' 4 It is a curious fact,' says the Medical Times, 4 that the most carnivorous quadrupeds are more averse to devouring tender sex. A witty rogue, brought before a Parisian tribunal for a drunken riot, on one occasion, assured the bench that he was not a drunkard, but in his childhood he was bitten by a mad dog, and he had ever since a horror of water. 4 1 don't like to play forfeits,' said Jemima, 4 and have all the fellows kissing me—it makes me commonprop responded Bemus. The local American papers state that a teacher in Virginia, giving lessons in geography, asked a boy, ' What state do you live in ? The urchin hit the fact when he bawled out, 4 A state of sin and misery.' Dr. Wing, being asked where a young lady's waist began, replied, 4 At the altar. The moment they have you trapped, they come down on your pocket-book like a hawk upon a May bug. After they are married they are all waste.'' What a libellous fellow ! The principal of an academy, in his advertisement, mentioned his female assistant, and the 4 reputation for teaching which she bears;' but the printer—carelessfellow forth commending the lady's reputation for 4 teaching she bears /' �9 Mrs. Partington came into the room in a state of great excitement. 4 Do you know,' said she, 1 they have formed another of those coalitions? Well, 1 declare it is too bad. The price of coals will be up to I don't know what.' ' Bill, you young scamp, if you had your due, you'd get a good whipping.' 4 1 know it, daddy, but bills are not always paid when due.' The agonised father trembled lest his hopeful son should be suddenly snatched from him. A young man being cured of a martial predilection by being present in a skirmish, it was said of him that he had an itch for military distinction, but the smell of sulphur cured it. A man by the name of Philo, who was married to a lady named Sophy, observed, that uniting his name with the lady's, put him in possession of philosophy. A captain of a vessel loading coals, went into amerchant'scounting-ho The merchant, looking towards his clerks, replied—41 have a number of them, but none, I believe, wish to be hauled over the coals.' An old farmer, whose son had died lately, was visited by a neighbour, who began to condole with him on his loss. ' My loss!' exclaimed the father, 1 no such thing— his own loss—he was of age.' A vagrant called at a house on a Sunday, and begged for some cider. The lady refused to give him any, and he reminded her of the oft-quoted remark, that she 4 might entertain an angel unawares.' 4 Yes,' said she, 4 but angels don't go about drinking cider on Sundays.' Time to me this truth has taught, 'Tis a truth that's worth revealingMore offend for want of thought Than from any want of feeling. If advice we would convey, There's a, time we should convey i t ; If we've but a word to say, There's a time in which to say it. A Yankee editor remarked, in a polemical article, that though he would not call his opponent a liar, he must that if the gentleman had intended to state what was utterly false, he had been remarkably successful in his attempt, ' Say, �10 A celebrated divine, who had prided himself upon his originality, and who would reject his best thought if he imagined it was traceable to any previous author, was startled one day by a friend coolly telling him that every word of his favourite discourse was stolen from a book he had at home. The astonished writer, staggered by his friend's earnestness, begged for a sight of this volume. He was, however, released from his misery by the other smilingly announcing the work in question to be 4 Johnson's undertake to find every word of your discourse.' D After listening to Bushfield Ferrand's fervid appeal at New Malton, a shrewd Yorkshire farmer was asked what he thought of the speech ? His reply was, simply, 4 Why, I don't know, but I think six hours' rain would nae done us a deal mair good !' A n American, formerly master of a vessel, who recently returned from California, where he has been operating for about a couple of years, was thus accosted :—' Well, Captain H., I suppose you have made enough this trip to stay at home, and lay off the rest of your days ?'— 4 Well, yes, I have made something.' Pursuinghis'interroga stuff did you bring home ?'—4 Well, sir, about as much as a good donkey could haul down-hill upon ice.' During the late session at N — — , a man was brought up by a farmer, and accused of stealing some ducks. The farmer said, he should know them anywhere, and went on to describe their peculiarity. 4 Why,*' said the counsel for the prisoner, 4 they can't be such a very rare breed— I have some like them in my yard.' 4 That's very likely, sir,' said the farmer: 4 these are not the only ducks of the sort I have had stolen lately.' There is one disease that a miser is pretty sure never to die of—-and that is, 4 enlargement of the heart.' Medicine has killed as many people as war. Powder and pills are as fatal as powder and ball. Be careful, therefore, how you allow people to shoot them into you. 4 Och, an' what's yer honor agoin' to give me, seeing as it's myself that saved yer honor's house from turnin' to ashes intirely?' 4 How, so, Pat?'— 4 An sure, when it cotched afire, wasn't I the second one that hollered fire first?' �11 Come, Doctor,' said a sinner to a clerical saint, ' 1 can give you a treat—a bottle of claret forty years old.' The doctor was in raptures, and eagerly accepted the only to be a pint bottle. ' Waes me,' said he, taking it up in his hand, 4 but it's unco wee of its age !' 44 invitation When Nelson said to his men at Trafalgar, 4 England expects every man to do his duty,' three Scotchmen who were standing at their guns exclaimed, 4 He never mentioned himself, rejoined, 4 His Lordship is just coaxing the English ; he knows Sandy will do his work when wanted, without coaxing.' A short time since, an invalid sent for a physician; and, after detaining him for some time with a description of his pains, said, ' Now, doctor, you have humbugged me long enough with your good-for-nothing pills and worthless you would strike the cause of my ailment, if it'is in your 4 It shall be done,' said the doctor, at power to reach it.' the same time lifting his cane, and demolishing a decanter of spirits that stood upon the sideboard. A man with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. 4 You have lost,' says the first; 4 1 can see the two eyes in your face, and you can see only one in mine.' An old clergyman was in the habit, as soon as he got into the pulpit, of placing his sermon in a crevice under the cushion, where he left it during the singing of the accustomed psalm. One Sunday he pushed the sermonbook too far into the crevice, and lost it. When the psalm was concluded, he called the clerk to bring him a Bible. The clerk, somewhat astonished at this unusual request, brought him a Bible as he was desired. The clergyman opened it, and thus addressed his congregation—4 My brethren, I have LOST MYSERMON; but I will read you a, chapter in JobWORTHTEN OF IT.' Mrs. Wagner having presented her husband daughter, He 'put it in the Times,' which was well; but we are not satisfied that he was called add, 'her eleventh child,' unless he intended warning to bachelors. with a all very upon to it as a ; when, to his poor Scotia;' but one of the syrups; they don't touch the re �12 An old gentleman of eighty years having taken to the altar a young damsel of sixteen, the clergyman said to him, 4 The font is at the other end of the church.'4 Whatdo beg your pardon,' said the clerical wit, 1 1 thought you had brought this child to be christened.' In a club, the other day, sat two gentlemen, one of whom has attained fame upon canvas, the other upon paper. He of the pencil was remarkably complimentary to him of the pen—so much so indeed, that the latter at length, with a good-natured laugh, exclaimed, 4 Why, my good fellow, you really show the versatility of your genius in the most striking light: you prove that you can paint not only in oil, but—in butter!' Horne Tooke, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards, replied, 4 1 cannot, your majesty, tell a king from a knave.' A sign in front of a shop in a village near Exeter, has the following :—4 Kakes and bear, sold her.' An addition in width has been added, to inform the public, that 4 1 make my sign a little vider, to let the people know that I sell sider.' A fire-eating Irishman, covered with wounds received in duels, challenged a barrister* who gratified him by an acceptance. The duellist, unable to stand without support, requeste said he, * I lean against this milestone ?' 4 With pleasure,' r against the next.' The challenger burst into a roar of laughter at the joke, and swore he would not fight so good-humoured a gentleman. A Glasgow youth walking with his sweetheart along Queen-street of that city, stopped at the door of a pastry cook's shop, and addressing his lady-love, said, ' Now, my dear, what will you take ? She, expecting to be treated to some of the good things of the shop, modestly replied, 4 1 will take anything you like.' 4 Then,' sayS he, 4 we will take a walk,' and marched past the shop. A gentleman one day observed to Henry E r s k i n e , who was a great punster, that punning was the lowest of wit* 4 It is so,' answered Erskine, 4 and therefore the foundation of all wit' �13 Maximilian being requested to grant an individual a patent of nobility for a certain sum—4 I can make you richer,' said Maximilian,4 but none can ennoble you "but your own virtue? The late Lord Jeffrey, when pleading one day before old Lord Newton, the judge stopped him, and asked him in broad Scotch, ' Whaur were ve educat, Mr. Jeffrey ?' 'Oxford, my lord.' ' Then I doubt ye maun gang back there agin, for we can mak nocht o' ye here.' On another occasion, the advocate, in stating his case before the same judge, happened to speak of an itinerant 4 Vulgarly * so called, my lord,' answered the spirited advocate. violinist. 4 D'ye mean a blin' fiddler The only kind of mistakes we are in favour of is when an old bachelor gets married. Such miss-stakes are popular among the ladies. Lord Braxfield (a Scotch judge) once said to an mon, but I'm thinking ye wad be nane the waur o' a hanginV Why should Joseph Ady be a leading man in the decided passion for the universal diffusion of letters. eloquent education culprit at the bar, 4 Yo movement ?—Because he has all We notice the marriage of Mr. Day to Miss Field, which presents this singular anomaly, that although he won the Field, she gained the Day. Some things come by odd names. The most uncommon half a mile long is a 4 brief;' and a melancholy ditty, devoid of sense or meaning, is a 4 glee.' quality in nature is called ' common The following bull appears in the AmericanPresident'smessage rece with all the world, and we seek to maintain our cherished relations with the rest of mankind.' When James Beresford, author of 4 The Miseries of •Human Life,' was at the Charterhouse School, he was a Remarkably gay and noisy fellow ; and one day, having Played truant to attend a concert, the school (says southey) was so quiet without him, that his absence WaS atoncedetected, and brought upon him a flogging. �A gentleman while skating fell into the water, and ran imminent risk of his life. A man with some difficulty preserver with a sixpence. The bystanders expressed some surprise respecting the insufficiency of the sum ; but the man coolly observed, that the gentleman knew 'best what his own life was worth, and walked off. The following anecdote is told in illustration of the Scotch veneration for the Sabbath :—A geologist, while in the country, and having his pocket hammer with him, took it out and was chipping the rock by the wayside for examination. His proceedings did not escape the quick eye and ready tongue of an old Scotch woman. 4 What are you doing there, man ? 1 Don't you see ? I'm breaking a stone.' 4 Y'are doing mair than that; y'are breaking the Sabbath.' An old bachelor, in counselling a young friend, hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.' cautioned A young gentleman was recently asked to 'take something.' sixpence, which he accordingly" pocketed and marched off. It is considered a great compliment in the east, to say to a young girl, 4 Your skin is as clear and beautiful as the fresh peel of an onion just drawn out from between its flakes!' A Bremen journal contains the following advertisement :—4 A young married, is desirous of meeting a man of experience who will dissuade him from such a step. Address,' &c. It is not always a mark of kindness to possess an open countenance* A n alligator is a deceitful creature, and yet he presents an open countenance when in the very act of taking you in. When Prince Gonzago was in England, he dined in company with Dr. Johnson, and thinking it was a polite thing to drink the doctor's health with some p r o o f that he had read his works, called out from the top of the table to the bottom—that table filled with company— 4 At your good health, Mr. Vagabond!' instead of Mr. Rambler/ �15 ' I say, Henry Charles, you have been to hong-Kong, haven't you?'—'Yes.' 'Well, can you speak China? 4 y-e-s, a little: that is, I speak broken china? 41 shall soon die, Cuffy—I must soon set out upon a long journey.' 4 Berry well (replied Cuffy), I guess hab good going, because it's all the way down hill.' Mr. Hunt, in a lecture on Common Law, has remarked, * That a lady, when she married, lost her personalidentity—herdistinctive swallowed by a sunbeam.' To such an extent is veneration for the fair sex carried in San Francisco, that a party of Oregonians stopped to have a dance round an old cast-off bonnet. ' Will the galvanic rings cure depression ?' asked a lady. 4 What has caused the complaint, ma'am V asked the doctor. 4 The loss of my husband,' mournfully replied the lady. 4 Then you had better get a wedding ring,' answered the doctor. A gentleman sat down to write a deed, and began with 4 Know all women by these presents.' 4 You are wrong,' said a bystander' it ought to be "know all men,'" 'Very well,' answered the other, 4 if all women know it, all men will, of course.' Conductor (very loud).—4Go on, Bill; here's that ugly old cove wot always kicks up such a row, and makes hisself so disagreeable, jus , Driver.—' Oh, as he ? Hi've a deuced good mind to pitch im hover, hand break his stupid old 'ed !' What news to-day ? said a merchant to his friend lately.^ 4 What news ?' responded the other, 4 nothing, only times are growing better ; people are getting on their legs again.' 4 On their legs !' said the first.' 4 1 don't see how you can make that out.' 4 Why, yes,' walk now; is not that getting on their legs again'?' ' What are you going to give me for a Christmas man, who meekly replied, that he had nothing to offer but his humble self. 4 The smallest favours gratefully received,' was the cheerful response. replied present the other, 4 folks ?' asked a merry damsel o �16 A gent, was asked what kind o f ' gal' he preferred for his wife. 4 One,' he said, 4 that wasn't prodi-gal, but frugal—a Buggins {at breakfast table).— 'Mary Anne, bring me a egg.' Finished Daughter4 An egg, if you please, father; an egg, not a egg—pray speak correctly.' Buggins4 A negg is it, my dear—a negg, eh ? Well, Mary Anne, instead of one, you may bring two neggs!' A N IRISHMAN'S DESCRIPTION OF MAKING A CANNON.— Take a long hole and pour brass round it. The Dublin Commercial Journal has the following: " One of the habitues of the theatre the other evening, talking of female authors, said that, though they have tact, grace, and finesse, they have no creative genius, and seldom produce any perfect work. i It is easy to see,' said Mrs. L., the actress,4 that it was a woman who gave you birth.' w A gentleman dining at a fashionable hotel, whose servants them for a cut of beef After a long time the lad returned, and placing it before the faint and hungry gentleman, was asked, 4 Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef ?'—4 Yes, sir.'—4 Bless me,' resumed the hungry wit, 6 how you have grown !' 'Father,' said a juvenile apothecary, to his learned 'dad,' 4 what's the reason they don't use pestles in battle?' 4 Pestles, my son, what should they do with pestles in battle?' 4 Why, the Wellington dispatches say the mortars did great execution, and I can't see how, without pestles?' 4 Pound away, my son, and don't puzzle me with your questions. Mortars and pestles do a great deal of damage, without being used on the field of battle.' A clergyman, coming to a poor woman's cabin, amongst other questions asked her how many commandments there were? 4 Truly, sir,' said she, 4 1 cannot tell'— 4 Why, ten,' said he.— 1 A fine company,' replied she, 4 God bless you and them together.'—4 Well, but neighbour,' says he, * do you keep these commandments ?'—' Ah, the Lord in heaven bless you, sir, I am a poor woman, and can hardly keep myself; so how can I bear the charge of keeping so many commandments ? were 4 f �(17 The following notice appeared on the west end of a church in Watling Street: 4 Any person sticking bills against this church, will be prosecuted according 'to law, or ANY OTHER NUISANCE.' A horse-dealer, selling a nag, frequently observed, with much earnestness, that he was an honest horse. After the purchase, the gentleman asked him what he meant by an honest horse. 4 Why, I'll tell you,' replied the Jockey. 4 Whenever I rode him, he always threatened to throw me ; and hang me if he ever deceived me.' An Englishman and a Welshman disputing in whose country was the best living, the Welshman said, 4 There is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known about a dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner.' 4 Ah,' answered the Englishman, 4 that was because every man toasted his own cheese.' An Irishman having accidentally broken a pane of glass in a window, was making the best of his way out of sight; but, unfortunately for Pat, the proprietor"stole a march on him ; and having seized him by the collar, ' To be sure I did,' said Pat; 4 and didn't you see me exclaimed, running 4 You broke my wi home for money to p 4 1 should just like to pay you off,' as John Bull said to the National Debt. -1 wish I could get things into the right train,' as the unprotected female said to herself, when she saw her luggage going away from her in all directions. 4 ^ Why is a hen walking, like a conspiracy ?—Because it's a foul proceeding. What is the difference between a chicken with a wing and one without a wing?—There is a difference of a pinion (opinion). We may set it down as an axiom, that young ladies cannot know everybody's name, when it is utterly twelvemonth hence! A Yankee student being asked how many genders there were, said 'three—masculine, feminine, and neutral;' and defined them as follows:—' Masculine, men.; feminine, women ; and neutral, old bachelors.' impossible for them to know what �18 'Shon,' Said a Dutchman, 'you may say what you please pout pad neighbours ; I have had te vorst neighbours wit dere ears split, and todder day two of them come home missing Soon after Dr. Johnson's return from Scotland to London, a Scottish lady, at whose house he was, as a compliment ordered some hotch-potch for his dinner. After the Doctor had tasted it, she asked him if-it was good ? To which he replied, * Very good for hogs /' 4 Then pray,' said the lady, 'allow me to help you to a little more of it.' An Irish doctor advertises, that the deaf may hear of him at a house in Liffey Street, where his blind patients may see him from 10 till 3. 4 Pat,' said a gent, to his servant, 'what's all that noise in the street ?' 4 Oh, nothing, sir; they're only forcing a man to turn volunteer.' When you are in at a neighbour's in the evening, and a man asks his wife how long before she is going to bed, you may safely conclude that you had better leave. The following advertisement appeared lately in an Irish newspaper: 4 This is to notify Patrick 0'Flaherty, who lately left his lodgings, that if he does not return soon, and pay for the same, he shall be advertised.'' Some days ago, a pretty, bright little juvenile friend, some five years of age, named Rosa, was teased a good deal by a gentleman who visits the family; he finally wound up by saying: 4 Rosa, I don't love you.' 4 Ah, but you've got to love me,' said the child. 4 How so ? asked her tormentor. 4 Why,' said Rosa, 4 the Bible says you must love them that hate you, and I am sure I hate you!' At an infant-school examination a few days ago, the examiner asked, 4 What fish eat the little ones ? * The big 'uns,' shouted a little urchin. 4 Don't you understand me, Jim ?' thundered the old man. 4 Why, you must be quite a fool.' 4 True, I am very near one, meekly replied Jim. A constant frequenter of city feasts having grown enormously fat, it was proposed to write on his back, Widened at the expense of the Corporation.' �19 • * Well, Alick, how's your brother Ike getting along these times V ' Oh, first rate—got a good start in the world ; married a widow with nine children.' A little girl inquired of her friend, who had passed her eighth year, ' What causes the rain V to which the the tears shed by angels over the sins of the world.' following beautiful reply was given: ' T . A gentleman, inquiring of a naval officer why sailors generally take off their shirts when going into* action, was answered, ' that they may not nave any check to fightin'.' An American editor states that a friend of his carries his sense of honour so far, as to spend all his time in advantage of time. perfect idleness, because he do A poor Irishman offered an old saucepan for sale. His children gathered around him, and inquired why he parted with it. ' Ah, my honeys,' answered he, 4 1 would not be a f t e r parting with it, but for a little money to buy something to put in it.' A gentleman calling for some beer at another gentleman's again without drinking. 4 'What!' said the master of the house, ' don't you like the beer ?' ' It is not to be found fault with,' answered the other, 4 for we should never speak ill of the dead: table, finding it very bad, gave it to At an excellent hotel, not a hundred miles from Liverpool, they were one day short of a Wived Hibernian was hastily made to supply the place or a more expert hand. ' ' Now, Barney,' said mine host, mind you serve every man with soup, anyhow.' ' Bedad. I'll do the s a m e >' the alert Barney. °n the start, and Barney, after helping all but one guest, c a m e upon the last one. ' Soup, sir ?' said Barney." 4 No S0?P for me,' said the gent. 4 But you must have it,' l m -Barney; 'it is the rules of the house.' ' D—n the house, exclaimed the guest, highly exasperated ; 'when 'i don't want soup I won't eat it—get along with you.' well said barney, with solemnity, 'all I can say is jist the regulations of the house, and the divi'l a drop else ye'll get till ye finish the soup!' The traveller n gave in, and the soup was gobbled. �20 Lately in the Court of Exchequer, a builder'sscaff and does nothing, and orders everybody else to work.' Some time ago, a provision merchant's shop in Leith had on its signboard, 4 Butter sold here for smearing sheep and bakers.' 4 Well, John,' said a doctor to a lad, whose mother he had been attending during her illness, 'how is your mother V 4 She's dead, I thank you, sir,' was the reply. A gentleman well acquainted with a certain alderman, being asked what sort of a Lord Mayor he thought he would make, answered, ' An unaccountable one.' Horace Walpole tells a story of a Lord Mayor of small-pox twice, and died of it, asked if he died the first time or the second. Lon A servant girl said the other day, that she gave but twelve pence for the cap she had on her head ; a gentleman 4 A steam-boat (Jonathan says) has got a saw-mill on one side, and a grist-mill on t'other, and a blacksmith's shop in the middle, and down cellar there's a tarnation great pot boiling all the time.' "Why is twice eleven like twice ten ? Because twice eleven is twenty-two, and twice ten is twenty too. A letter passed through the Shields Post-office a short time ago, * For BetsyROBINSON,a Scotch Woman with One Eye, Carey Bank, North Shields.' A woman offering to sign a deed, the judge asked her whether her husband compelled her to sign. 4 He ' How is your son to-day V asked a friend of a to compose his agitated features: 4 Very bad, indeed! i would not give ten per cent, for his chance of life.' ^J 6 You had better ask for manners than money,' said a finely-dressed gentleman to a beggar boy who had asked for alms. 4 1 asked for what I thought you had the most of,' was the boy's reply. compe stockbrot �21 Pat. Murphy, residing in Raymond Street, was lately fined twenty shillings and costs, for keeping six full* grown pigs in his front 'parlour ! 4 1 wonder how they make lucifer matches?' said a young lady to her husband, with whom she was always quarrelling. 4 The process is very simple—I once made one,' he answered. 'How did you manage it?'—'By leading you to church.' W e are authorised to say that Mr. John Macdonald of Mansfield Wood House, who attained his hundredth year last November, will run any man in England, his own weight and age, for any sum. N.B.—No hurdles. A gentleman passing through one of the public offices was affronted by some clerks, and was advised to abused here by some of the rascals in this place, and have come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are the principal.' complain to the principal A young lady, a native of Sydney, being asked if she should like to go to Britain, answered that she should like to see it, but not to live in it. On being pressed for her reason, she replied, 4 That from the large number of bad people sent out from thence, it must surely be a very wicked place to live in !' Did our readers ever remark that the gentlemen who * carry round the plate, and who are always on a cold scent after a penny, are not themselves very liberal in their contributions ? 4 Why don't you put in something?' asked a contributor, of oneof'these Sunday sub-treasurers, on one occasion. 4 That's my business,' was the reply : * what I give is nothing to nobody /' 'What are you writing there, my boy?' asked a fond parent the other day of his hopeful son and heir, a shaver of ten years.—4 My'composition, thir.' 4 What is thesubject?'—'Internationallaw, thir,' replied the Grotius ; ' but really I shall be unable to conthentrate my ideas, and give them a logical relation, if I am conthantly interrupted in thith manner by irrelevant inquiries.' A widow said once to her daughter, 4 When you are of age, you will be dreaming of a husband.' 4 Yes, mamma,' replied the thoughtless little hussy,6 for a second time, �22 * What are you about, my dear V said his grandmother to a little boy who was sliding along the room, and casting furtive glances at a gentleman who was paying a visit. 41 am trying, grandmamma, to steal papa's hat out of the room, without letting that one see it,' said he, pointing to the gentleman, 4 for papa wants him to think that he . is out.'" O'Connell, in one of his speeches in Conciliation Hall, told his followers, that if measures injurious to Ireland were brought into Parliament, he would go over to opposition to them;' and when he came back he would say, * Are you for Repeal now ?' England, A few days since, a person threw the head of a goose on to the stage of the Belleville Theatre. Cotru advancing you has lost his head, do not be uneasy, for I will restore it on the conclusion of the performance.' A Liverpool furrier informs those ladies 4 who wish to have a really genuine article,' that he will be happy to make them muffs, boas, &c., of 4THEIR OWN SKINS!' A provincial contemporary is ungallant enough to say that the ladies—Heaven bless 'em !—are never in time except on the wedding-day, and then they wait up all night to prevent being too late in the morning. An advertisement of cheap shoes and fancy articles, inserted in a certain newspaper, has the following nota bene:—4N.B. Ladies wishing those cheap shoes will do well to call soon, as they will not last long' A retired son of St. Crispin, who had amassed considerable wealth, used to put the letters F.R.S. and C. after his name. He translated them thus:—4 First Rate Shoemaker and Cobbler.' 4 What are you engaged in ?' said the head printer of a newspaper establishment to one of the compositors. 4 In an elopement.' 4 Stop,' said his interrogator, 4 1 want you to share in a murder.' 4 Make way here,' said a member of a republican deputation, 4 we are the representatives of the people.' 4 Make way yourself,' shouted a sturdy fellow from the throng, 4 we are the people themselves!' �23 The following advertisement was recently inserted in a New York paper:—6 "Wanted—An experienced nurse to take charge of a young child, between 30 and 35 years old, of unexceptionable character and good reference. None need apply who cannot produce the best testimonials.' A simple Highland girl, on her way home for the north, called, as she passed by Crieff upon an old master with whom she had formerly served. Being kindly ceremony of asking a blessing having been gone through, the poor girl, anxious to compliment, as she conceived, her ancient host, exclaimed, 4 Ah, master, ye maun hae a grand memory, for that's the grace ye had when I was wi' you seven years ago.' invited by him to share in t A countryman busy sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, one of them called to him with an insolent air, 4 Well, honest fellow,' said he, 4 'tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour.' To which the countryman replied, 4 'Tis very like you may, for I am sowing hemp.' A wit being asked what the word genius meant, replied, 4 If you had it in yo means.' A person, who was famous for arriving just at dinnertime, visitor), was asked by a lady of the house if he would do as they did. On his*replying he should be happy to have the pleasure, she replied, 4 Dine at home, then.' He, of course, had received his quietus for some time, at least. upon going to a friend's ( Two gentlemen, a few days since, took a boat at Blackfriar's-bridge to go to the Tower. One of them asked the other who sat beside him, if he could tell him what countryman the waterman was. He replied he could not. ' Then,' said his friend, ' I can ; he is a Ro-man.' A Cockney being told the above, said 4 the pun was wherry good.' During a late crowded night at Covent Garden Theatre, a pretty woman, on wh powerful sudorific, attracted general attention. Agentlemanafterviewingherfor a few minutes, exclaimed A charming painting in oil: �24 The inhabitants of Mount Street, Southampton, were alarmed one morning at three o'clock by a drunken fellow it?' exclaimed a hundred voices at once. 4 That's exactly 4 for my pipe's what I want to know,' replied the fellow, gone out.' For the gout, says one, toast and water; for bile, and patience; for toothache, pluck it out. c exercise; A venerable Scotch minister used to say to any of his flock who were labouring under affliction, 4 Time is short, and if your cross is heavy, you have not far to carry it.' La Motte, who had lost his eyesight, being one day in a crowd, accidently trod upon the foot of a young man, who instantly struck him on the face. * Sir,' said La Motte, 4 you will be sorry for what you have done, when 1 tell you that I am blind.' Coward is a feudal expression, implying cow-herd, for which employment a man void of courage was deemed only fit for. Mr. Wilmot, an infidel, when dying, laid his trembling emaciated hand upon the sacred volume, and exclaimed solemnly, and with unwonted energy, 4 The only objection Franklin, one of the greatest philosophers and the Scotch mathematician, and author of many learned works, was at first a poor weaver. Herschel, one of the most eminent astronomers, rose from the low station of a fifer boy in the army. These examples show us the happy effects of assiduity and perseverance. statesmen There are boys who think themselves men, and who goto barbers' shops to be, as they say, 4 bared.' We eard of a juvenile who went to be scraped, and the barber skin, left him and went lounging about his door. As soon as the young 4 gent.' saw him sauntering, he impatiently scre all this time here for ?' The witty barber replied, 4 I'm waiting until your beard grows!' T o FIND 4 MEAN' TIME.—Learn of Molly the maid the time of dinner, and always drop in at the exact moment. � https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/71978326b518834a84ad8e57e9ab3ea3.jpg a55484d0ed6487f8d14f9fd3e65215cf Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Illustration on title-page of a young girl standing in a drawing room gesturing towards book on a table. Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource Woodcut 004: Title-page illustration a girl standing in a drawing room gesturing towards a book on a table. Document A resource containing textual data. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre text. Dublin Core The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/. Title A name given to the resource The Scrap-Book: A Selection of the Best Jokes, Puns, Comic Sayings, Jonathanisms, &amp;c., &amp;c Subject The topic of the resource Chapbooks - Scotland - Glasgow Date A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource 1856 per University of Glasgow Union Catalogue of Scottish Chapbooks Language A language of the resource English Identifier An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context <a href="https://ocul-gue.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/permalink/01OCUL_GUE/mrqn4e/alma9953133963505154">s0098b48</a> Extent The size or duration of the resource. 24 pages Abstract A summary of the resource. This chapbook contains 24 pages of jokes, anecdotes, and interesting stories. While many of the selections in this chapbook are of the humorous variety the topics have a great deal of range and also contain general interest stories. Is Referenced By A related resource that references, cites, or otherwise points to the described resource. <p dir="ltr"><span>University of Glasgow Union Catalogue of Scottish Chapbooks&nbsp;</span><a href="http://special.lib.gla.ac.uk/chapbooks/search/">http://special.lib.gla.ac.uk/chapbooks/search/</a></p> <div>&nbsp;</div> Is Part Of A related resource in which the described resource is physically or logically included. Chapbook #20 in a bound collection of 34 chapbooks Description An account of the resource "2" printed at the bottom of title-page Woodcut #04: Illustration on title-page of a girl standing in a drawing room gesturing towards a book on a table. Contributor An entity responsible for making contributions to the resource Archival and Special Collections, University of Guelph Library, Guelph, Ontario, Canada Format The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource JPEGs and PDF derived from master file, which was scanned from the original book in 24-bit color at 600 dpi in TIFF format using an Epson Expression 10000XL scanner. Rights Information about rights held in and over the resource In the public domain; For high quality reproductions, contact Archival & Special Collections, University of Guelph ca.519-824-4120, Ext 53413 Publisher An entity responsible for making the resource available Glasgow: Printed for the Booksellers Source A related resource from which the described resource is derived Archival & Special Collections, University of Guelph Library, Guelph, Ontario Type The nature or genre of the resource wit & humor # of Woodcuts: 1 Architecture: window(s) Bib Context: title-page Chapbook Date: 1851-1860 Chapbook Genre: wit & humor Chapbook Publisher - Glasgow: Printed for the Booksellers Fashion (Clothing): bloomers Fashion (Clothing): children's clothes Fashion (Clothing): dress Fashion (Clothing): stockings Fashion (Clothing): upper class Furniture: table(s) Gender: girl(s) Indoor Scene Object: book(s) Object: curtain(s)