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THE
ANECDOTE-BOOK:
A CHOICE COLLECTION OF
ANECDOTES, JESTS, WITTY SAYINGS,
BON MOTS, &c., &o.
SELECTED FROM THE BEST SOURCES.
GLASGOW!
P R I N T E D FOR THE B O O K S E L L E R S .
Price One Penny.
1
��THE
ANECDOTE
BOOK.
ANECDOTES.
SECRETS.
' MY dear Murphy,' said an Irishman to his friend, 'why
did you betray the secret that I told you ?' Is it
betraying you call it ? Sure, when I found I wasn't able
to keep it myself, didn't I do well to tell it to somebody
that could?'
DUE PROPORTIONS
'Jock,' said a farmer's wife to the herd callant—' Jock,
come in to your parritch —the flies are drowning
themselves in the milk.' ' Nae fears,' replied Jock, moving
very deliberately towards the scene of action—' Nae fears;
they'll wade through't.' ' Od, you little rascal, do you
say you dinna get eneugh o' milk ?' ' Ou ay, plenty for
the parritch.'
GIPSY W I T .
Two young ladies were accosted by a gipsy woman,
who told them that, for a shilling each, she would show
them their husband's faces in a pail of water ; which
being brought, they exclaimed, ' Why, we only see our
own faces !' ' Well,' said the old woman, 'those will be
your husband's faces when you are married.'
SECURITY AGAINST DROWNING.
A lady at sea, full of apprehension in a gale of wind,
cried out among petty exclamations, 'We shall go to the
bottom—mercy on us, how my head swims.' ' Zounds,
madam, never fear,' said one of the sailors, ' you can
never go to the bottom while your head swims !'
�4
WELL DONE.
Lord Chesterfield has beautifully and truly remarked,
—' Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well?
This axiom applies admirably to the treatment of a friend.
A THRIFTLESS LADDIE.
On the application of the Prince Regent to Parliament
for a grant to pay off his debts, being talked of one evening
in a company, an old Scotch lady, whose ideas were
all of a homely character, exclaimed, ' Debt! how can
he be in debt—doesna he get his meat in his fayther's V
A CHANCE FOR BACHELORS.
A man with eleven daughters was complaining to a
friend that he found it hard to live. ' You must husband
your time,' said the other, ' and then you will do well
enough.' ' I could do much better,' was the reply, ' if I
could husband my daughters.'
EQUITABLE ADJUSTMENT.
'
Patrick,' said an employer one morning to one of his
workmen, ' you came too late this morning ; the other
men were at work an hour before you.' ' Sure, and I'll
be even with them to-night.' ' How, Patrick ?' 'I'll
quit an hour before them, sure.'
TAKE CARE OF YOUR EMPHASES.
An elderly gentleman being ill, one of his friends sent
a messenger with the usual inquiry, which, however, he
had not pronounced with due emphasis—' I'll thank you
to take my compliments, and ask how OLD Mr.W.is.'
The messenger departed on his errand, and speedily
returned, saying, 'He's just 68, sir !'
A BROAD HINT.
The great man of a village being at dinner, allowed
one of his tenants to stand while he conversed with him.
'What news, my friend ? said the squire. ' None that
I know of,' replied the farmer, ' except that a sow of
mine has had a litter of thirteen pigs, and she has only
twelve teats.' ' What will the thirteenth do ?' asked the
landlord. ' Do as I do,' returned Hodge ; ' it will stand
and look on while the others eat.'
�DOING BUSINESS.
The papa of a young man, who devotes more attention
to gaming, horse-racing, &c., than to business, was met
by a friend, who asked him what his son Jack was doing
now. ' Doing, sir ?' said the papa—' doing his father, as
usual.'
K E E P A DOG AND B A R K !
A simple servant boy one evening went up to the
drawing-room, on the bell being rung. When he returned to
the kitchen, he laughed immoderately. Some of the
servants asking the cause of his mirth, he cried, ' What do
you think ? there were sixteen of them who could not
snuff the candles, and were obliged to send for me to
do it."
THE SAME HERE.
A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster was
lately met by his landlord, who accosted him thus: --' John, I intend to raise your rent to which John
replied,
' Sir, I'm very much obliged to you, for I cannot
raise it myself.'
NO TIME TO LOSE.
A gentleman was one day composing music for a lady
to whom he paid his addresses. ' Pray, Miss D.,' said he,
'what time do you prefer ?' ' Oh !' she replied,
carelessly,
' any time will do. but the quicker the better.'' The
company smiled at the rejoinder, and the gentleman took
her at her word.
HOLDING A HORSE.
'Here, fellow, hold this horse.' 'Does he kick?'
Kick!—no!
Take hold of him.' 'Does he bite?'
Bite !—no ! Take hold of the bridle, I say.' ' Does it
take two to hold him ?' ' No !' ' Then hold him yourself.'
THE BOOT ON THE WRONG LEG.
An Irishman having legs of different sizes, ordered his
boots to be made accordingly. His directions were
obeyed ; but as he put the smallest boot on his largest
he exclaimed petulantly, ' Confound the fellow ! I
ordered
him to make the one larger than the other, and
instead of that, he has made one smaller than the other.'
�6
An Irish gentleman going to the pest-office, inquired
if there were any letters for him ? ' Your name, sir,' said
the clerk. i There is a good one now,' said the
Hibernian,
BAD BETTER THAN NONE.
A married woman was telling a staid lady, somewhat
on the wrong side of fifty, of some domestic troubles,
which she in great part attributed to the irregularities of
her husband. ' Well (said the old maid), you have
brought these troubles on yourself. 1 told you not to
marry him. I was sure he would not make you a good
husband.' 'He is not a good one, to be sure, madam
(replied the woman), but he is a 'power better than none.'
COBBETT AND THE GOOSE.
When Cobbett kept a stationer's shop at Philadelphia,
and was writing under the name o f ' Peter Porcupine,' a
young sub went to buy some quills, and thinking to pass
a joke upon Peter, asked him if they were not Porcupine's
quills? Upon which Cobbett, taking up the redcoat's
money, drily replied, making at the same time a very
profound bow, 'Oh, no, sir ! they are a goose's.'
MOTHER WIT.
An Irishman, while on his passage to this country in
Search of harvest work, was observed to walk up and
down the deck at a brisk pace, occasionally giving a look
at the Captain whenever he came in sight, as if to attract
his observation. On being asked by the steward for his
passage-money, when hearing the port of destination,
Pat replied,' Arrah, honey, be aisey now, sure the master
won't do such a dirty trick as charge a poor shearer, who
has walked the whole way.'
AN IMPUDENT IMP,
An irregular apprentice frequently keeping late hours,
his master at length took occasion to apply s o m e weighty
arguments to convince him of the ' error of his ways.'
During the chastisement, he continually exclaimed
'How long will you serve the D
?' The boy replied,
whimpering, ' You. know best, sir : I believe my
indenture will be out in three months !'
' why, wont you see it on the back o
�7
BOW TO AVOID QUARRELS.
The late Mr. John Jones being asked by a friend ' how
he kept himself from being involved in quarrels ?' replied,
' b y letting the angry person have all the quarrel to
himself.'
DON'T YOU W I S H YOU MAY GET HIM ?
The editor of the Florence Inquirer (American paper)
gives the following notice to one of his friends —' The
gentleman who took out of our library the number of
Graham's Magazine, is respectfully invited to call again
in about two weeks, and get the number for August.'
BASHFULNESS.
'Sally,'said an amorous lover, speaking the other day
to his intended, ' give us a kiss, will you, Sally ?' 'No, I
shan't,' said Sally; ' help yourself.'
ASKING A BLESSING,
A minister went to dine at the house of one of his
hearers, whom he was in the habit of visiting. Dinner
being placed on the table, the master of the house
requested
done, than a prattling boy, about seven years old, asked
the following appropriate question : ' Papa, what is the
reason we always have a blessing asked when Mr.
dines with us, and never at any other time ?'
VERY FUNNY.
'Father, do they light up railway carriages at night
with gas ?' ' No, my dear, with train oil.'
THE SAGE AND THE SIMPLETON.
As the late Professor Hamilton was one day walking
near Aberdeen, he met a well-known individual of weak
intellect. ' Pray,' said the Professor, ' how long can a
person live without brains?' ' I dinna ken,' replied
Jemmy, scratching his head, ' how auld are ye yoursel?'
SHORT AND SHARP.
' You had better ask for manners than money,' said a
finely-dressed gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms.
'I asked for what I thought you had the most of,' was
cutting reply.
the minister to ask a blessing.
It was no sooner
�8
SHERIDAN.
'How is it,' said a gentleman to the late Richard
Brinsley Sheridan, ' that your name has not an O
attached
to it; your family is Irish, and no doubt illustr
' No family has a better right to an O than our
family,' replied Sheridan, ' for we O (owe) everybody.'
HOOKS ANP EYES.
George Colman being once asked if he knew Theodore
Hook—' Oh yes,' was his reply, 'Hook and I (eye) are
old associates.'
QUESTIONABLE.
Schoolmaster:—' Robert, compare the adjective cold.1
Robert:—' Positive, cold: comparative, cough: superlative,
coffin!'
A SLIGHT MISTAKE.
Never did Paddy utter a better bull than did an
honest John, who, "Being asked by a friend, ' Has your
sister got a son or a daughter ?' answered, ' Positively, I
do not yet know whether I am an uncle or an aunt?
TIT FOR TAT.
A lady approaching the vale of years, but still retaining
personal attractions, exclaimed in triumph to her
maid,' What would you give, child, to have my beauty
' Almost as much as you would to possess my youth,
madam,' replied the girl.
CAN'T OBLIGE YOU AT PRESENT.
In one of the engagements during the war in Egypt, a
poor Frenchman, falling into the power of a Highland
sergeant, screamed out the only English word he was
master of, ' Quarter ! quarter !' ' Shell no hae time to
quarter ye the noo,' replied Donald, ' she'll just cut ye in
twa!'
AN EAR FOR MUSIC.
A little girl being asked if she had an ear for music,
replied, ' Yes, I believe I have ; for I heard the s o u n d e r
a fiddle when a man was playing on it at least two
hundred
yards
off.'
�9
A HINT FOR THE ' BLUES.'
Milton being asked whether he would instruct his
daughters, in the different languages, replied, ' no; one
tongue is sufficient for a woman.'
A COMMANDMENT.
The evening before
Toiras for permission
at the point of death.
through his pretext;
that thy days may be
a battle, an officer asked Marshal
to go and see his father, who was
' Go,' said the Marshal, who saw
'honour thy father and mother,
long in the land.'
BRIGHT.
A person being asked which luminary he preferred, the
sun or the moon, replied—' The moon, because it affords
light at night, when it is needed ; whereas the sun only
gives light at day, when we don't want it.'
BENEFITS OP HABIT.
. A benedict, upon being asked whether he was seriously
injured when a steam-boat boiler exploded, replied, ' that
he was so used to be blown up by his wife, that mere
steam had no effect on him.'
PRECOCITY.
' Mamma, are all vessels called she ?' 'Yes, my dear.'
' Then how are all the national ships called men-of-war ?'
'Jane, put that child to bed.'
THE ART OF SHOPPING*
'
What's the price of this article ?' inquired a deaf old
lady. ' Seven shillings,' said the draper. ' Seventeen
shillings !' she exclaimed, ' I'll give you thirteen.' ' Seven
shillings,'replied the honest tradesman, ' is the price of
the article.' ' Oh ! seven shillings,' the lady sharply
rejoined
: ' I'll GIVE you F I V E
A FEARFUL HUSBAND.
'If I'm not home from the party to-night at ten
o'clock said a husband to his better and bigger half,
don't wait for me.' ' That I won't,' said the lady,
significantly,'
I won't wait, but I'll come for you.' He returned
at ten precisely.
!'
�10
A POSER,
As a teacher was employed the other day in learning
a sharp urchin to cipher on a slate, the pupil asked his
instructor—' Whaur does a' the figures gang till whan
they're rubbit oot?'
BODILY STRENGTH.
A friend of ours says, he is growing weaker and weaker
every day. He has got so weak now that he can't raise
five dollars.
BAD TIMES.
The times are so hard, and payments are so rare, that
the girls complain that the young men cannot even pay
their addresses.
A CASE OF DISTRESS.
A poor Yankee, on being asked the nature of his
distress, replied, 'that he had five outs and one in, viz., out
of money and out of clothes ; out at the heels and out at
the toes ; out of credit and in debt.'
A HANDSOME MAN.
The editor of the Newbury Journal is said to be so
handsome, that he is forced to carry a club to keep the
women off!
PHILOSOPHY.
Experimental philosophy—asking a man to lend you
money.
Moral philosophy—refusing to do it.
SHADE OP THE DEPARTED.
One of the American papers gives an account of a
lounger in his editorial office, who had been in the habit
of sitting so long, that when he died his shadow was found
fixed upon the wall!
A 'CUTE LAD.
A gentleman sent a lad with a letter to the Baltimore
post-office, and money to pay the postage. w h e n he
returned, he said, " I guess I 'did the thing slick ; I see
a good many folks putting letters into thepostoffice
through a hole, so I watched my chance, and got mine"
in for nothing."
�11
DIALECT.
Edinburgh v. Aberdeen.—A gentleman from Aberdeen
was awoke one night lately in a hotel in Prince's street,
Edinburgh, by an alarm of fire. Upon going to the
window,
he called out ' Vautchman, far eis't?' The watchman
thanked him, and went towards the Register Office,
where he found he was going in the wrong direction, and
returned. On repassing the hotel, he was again called
to by the Aberdonian, who hauled out, 'Vautchman, far
was't?' On looking up to him the watchman replied,
' Ye're a d—d leein scoonril : ye first tell'd me it was far
east, an' noo ye say it's far wast; but I tell ye it's neither
e' tane or e' tither,' cause its owre i' e' Coogate.'
PHRENOLOGY ILLUSTRATED.
A professor of craniology passing the other morning
through a churchyard near town, while they were opening
some old graves, took up several sculls, and affected
to distinguish very accurately the characters of their
owners. ' This, now,' said the professor, 'belonged to a
philosopher.' 'Like enough, your honour,' replied the
gravedigger, ' for I see it's a bit cracked.'
A SENTENCE.
A fellow in Dublin had once committed some trifling
offence, for which the judge pronounced the following
sentence
Judge.—' The sentence of the Court is, that you shall
be flogged from the Bank to the Quay.'
Prisoner (hastily interrupting the Judge),—' Thank
you, my lord, you have done your worst.'
Judge,-—' Not yet; and back again.
A SAILOR'S J O K E .
A sailor who had been fighting and making a riot, was
taken, first to a watch-house, then before a justice, who,
after severely reprimanding him, ordered him to find
bail- 'I have no bail,' said Jack. ' Then I'll commit
you,' said the justice. ' You will!' said the sailor, ' then
the Lord send you the rope that stops the wind when the
ship'sat anchor.' ' What do you mean by that?' said
the justice ; ' I insist on an explanation of that phrase.'
why,' said Jack, ' it's the hanging rope at the yard-arm.'
�12
BROAD HINT.
'
Thomas,' said a sponging friend of the family to a
footman, who had been lingering about the room for half
an hour to show' him to the door, ' Thomas, my good
fellow,
it's getting late, isn't it ? How soon will the d
come up, Thomas ?' ' The very moment you be gone, sir,'
was the unequivocal reply.
HOW TO MAKE MEN BRAVE.
Sir Thomas Fitzgerald, famous for flogging, had raised
a regiment of pardoned peasantry in the sister kingdom,
which he called the ' Ancient Irish.' He and his corps
were sent on foreign service. On his return he boasted
frequently of their bravery, and that no other troops were
so forward to face the enemy. ' No wonder,' said Ned
Lysaght; ' thanks to your flogging, they were ashamed
to show their backs.'
THE SHAME-FACED IRISHMAN.
An Irishman being asked, a few days since, to take a
mutton chop with a friend, declined the invitation, saying,
' that he had ate so much mutton of late, he was ashamed
to look a sheep in the face.'
EXTRAORDINARY DESPATCH.
The editor of an American paper, in describing the
rapid sale of his journal, assures those who choose to
believe him, that it goes off like greased lightning !
VICE-VERSA.
As a canal-boat was passing under a bridge, the
captain gave the usual warning by calling aloud, " look
out!" when a little Frenchman, who was in the cabin,
obeyed the order by popping his head out of the window
which received a severe bump, by coming in contact with
a pillar of the bridge. He drew it back in a great pet, ana
exclaimed, " Dese Amerikans say, ' Look out!' when dey
mean 'Look in !"'
m
A DEPUTY WANTED.
'I
can't speak in public—never done such a thing in
all my life,' said a chap the other night at a p u b l i c meeting,
who had been called upon to hold forth, ' but it
anybody
in the crowd will speak for me, I'll hold his
�13
HOW TO GET A LIFT.
' Pray,' said Mr.
to a gentleman he overtook on
the road, ' will you have the complaisance to take my
great-coat in your carriage to town ?' ' With pleasure,
my dear sir ; but how will you get it again V ' Oh, very
easily,' replied the modest applicant; ' I shall remain in
it.'
SINGULAR RESEMBLANCE.
An American, speaking of his niggers, said, ' Caesar
and Pompey are so much alike that you can't tell the one
from the otner,'specially Pompey.'
A CURIOUS FACT.
The proprietor of the perpetual motion, lately exhibited
at Boston, has absconded without even paying the man
who turned the crank in the cellar
!
SHARP RETORT.
A Yankee and a Patlander happening to be riding
together, passed a gallows. ' Where would you be,' said
Jonathan, 'if the gallows had its due?' 'Biding alone,
I guess,' said the Irishman.
PRODIGIOUS.
By a series of interesting experiments lately made in
Philadelphia, a woman's tongue has been found capable
of moving one thousand nine hundred and twenty times
in a minute ! Think of that and weep !
EITHER W A Y W I L L DO.
' Will you have me, Sarah ?' said a young man to a
modest girl. ' No, John,' said she, ' but you may have
me if you will.'
JUSTICE AND HIS PRISONER,
' Sirrah,' said a justice to one brought before him, 'you
are an arrant knave.' ' Am I, sir?' says the prisoner;
' just as your worship spoke, the clock struck two.'
A LOGICAL POINT.
'1wonder,' said a woman of humour, ' why my
husband and I quarrel so often, for we agree uniformly on
one point: he wishes to be master, and so do I.'
�14
CONJUGAL AFFECTION.
A gentleman having a horse that started, and broke
his wife's neck, a neighbour squire told him he wished
to purchase it for his wife to ride upon, ' No,' says the
other, 'I will not sell i t ; I intend to marry again myself!'
A SHREWD ANSWER.
A countryman being a witness in a court of Justice,
was asked by the counsel if he was born in wedlock,—
' No, sir,' answered the man, ' I was born in Devonshire.'
AN ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.
Dr. Johnson treated Mrs, Siddons, who called upon
him in Bolt-court, with the most marked politeness.
Frank, his servant, could not immediately bring her a
chair. ' You see, madam,' said the Doctor, ' wherever
you go, how difficult it is to find seats.'
MILTON AND MR. HOYLE.
Milton, that glory of British literature, received not
above £10 at two different payments for the copyright of
'Paradise Lost;' yet Mr. Hoyle, author of a treatise on
the game of whist, after having disposed of all the first
impression, sold the copyright to a bookseller for 200
guineas.
A GREAT SECRET.
A person reading in a newspaper an advertisement
offering a reward for some lost family documents, and bearing
at the end of it a common announcement, that the
notice was 'not to be repeated an old woman who had
been attentively listening, exclaimed—' What! no to be
repeated; eh, sirs, that maun be a great secret.'
LOT'S WIFE.
A Highlander who has charge of a number of females
in a public work near Glasgow, finding lately that business
was increasing too fast for the number of his
workers, informed his employer that,' If we'll no get more
haunds, we'll juist hae to stick a'thegither.'— 'Stick
altogether
!' says the master; ' why, Donald, man, I nev
heard of any one doing that except Lot's wife.'— ' L o t s
wife,' says Donald,' wha was she—did she'll wroght in the
wark
?'
�15
SCRIPTURE B I O G R A P H Y . — ( W H O W A S JESSE ? )
An old schoolmaster, who usually heard his pupils once
a-week through Watts' Scripture History, and afterwards
asked them promiscuously such questions as suggested
themselves to his mind, one day desired a young urchin
to tell him who Jesse was ; when the boy briskly replied,
' The Flower of Dumblane, sir.'
GINGER Y I L L .
A short time since, a bailie of Glasgow invited some
of his electioneering friends to dinner, during which the
champagne circulated freely, and was much relished by
the honest bodies; when one of them, more fond of it
than the rest, bawled out to the servant who waited, 'I
say, Jock, gie us some mair o' that ginger yill, will ye ?'
INTERESTING QUESTION.
At a debating club, the question was discussed, whether
there is more Happiness in the possession or pursuit of an
object ? 'Mr. President,' said an orator, ' suppose I was
courtin' a gal, and she was to run away, and I was to run
after her ; wouldn't I be happier when I cotch'd her than
when I was running after her
?'
EQUIVOCAL ADVERTISEMENT.
The following notice might have been seen some time
ago stuck up in a corset-maker's shop window in Glasgow—
' All sorts of ladies stays here.'
A BARGAIN.
The following laconic epistle may be seen in the
window
of a coffee-house in Featherstone-street, City-road :
—' Stolen, from this window, a china cup and saucer; the
set being now incomplete, the thief may have the remainder
a bargain.'
AN EXCELLENT GRACE.
One day, at the table of the late Dr. Pearce, (Dean of
Ely,) just as the cloth was removing, the subject of
discourse happened to be that of an extraordinary mortality
amongst the lawyers. ' We have lost,' said a gentleman
not less than six eminent barristers in as many months.'
The Dean, who was quite deaf, rose as his friend finished
his remark, and gave the company grace:—' For this, and
every other mercy, the Lord's name be praised!'
�16
STUTTERING SOLDIER.
A soldier about to be sent on the late Spanish
expedition,
said to the officer directing the drafts, ' Sir, I cann
go, because I—I stut-utter.' ' Stutter !' says the officer,
' you don't go to talk, but to fight.' ' Ay, but they'll p-put
me on g guard, and a man may go ha-ha-half a mile
before I can say, who-who-who goes there ?' ' Oh, that is
no objection, for there will be another sentry placed along
with you, and he can challenge if you can fire.' ' Well,
b-b-but I may be taken and run through the g-g-guts,
before I can cry qu-qu-quarter.'
PROMPT ANSWER,
Chateanneuf, keeper of the seals of Louis XIII., when
a boy of only nine years old, was asked many questions
by a bishop, and gave very prompt answers to them all.
At length the prelate said, ' I will give you an orange if
you will tell me where God is ?'— 'My lord,' replied the
boy, 'I will give you two oranges if you tell me where he
is not.'
BAYLE'S OBSERVATION.
Bayle was asked if a woman could keep a secret.
' There is one secret,' said he, ' and that is the only one
they can keep—their age.'
HIGHLAND SIMPLICITY.
Last week, a young girl, fresh from the West
Highlands,
came on a visit to a sister she had residing in
Glasgow. At the outskirts of the town she stopped at a
toll-bar, and began to rap smartly with her knuckles
on the gate. The keeper, amused at the girl's action,
and curious to know what she wanted, came out, when
she very demurely interrogated him as follows :—' Is this
Clasco ?'—' Yes.'—' Is Peggy in
?'
A TAILOR'S GOOSE.
A dashing foreman to a tailor in Glasgow, dining in a
mixed company, wished to impress those present with
the immense importance of his services to his employers.
' Though I say it, that should not say it,' quoth snip,'if
it was not for me, our people could not carry on their
business.' 'I can very well believe you,' said one of the
party, ' I never yet heard of a tailor who could carry on
his business without his goose.'
�17
A KING AND A PHILOSOPHER.
George III., while walking one day at Windsor, met a
smart little hoy, who was dressed in a suit of new clothes.
The king, addressing him in his familiar way, said,' Well,
my little boy, to whom do you belong ?' The boy knew
the king, and answered, ' An't please your Majesty, I
belong to one of his Majesty's beef-eaters.' The king was
so well pleased with the little fellow that he said, ' If you
bend on your knee I will allow you to kiss my hand.'
' Nay,' said the boy, ' 1 can't do that, for it would dirty
all my new breeches.'
QUESTION FOR QUESTION.
A clergyman in Stirlingshire, catechising a number
of his parishioners, asked a man of the name of Peter,
'How many years did the children of Israel sojourn in
the wilderness?' To which he replied, 'Forty years.
' But can you tell me, sir,' said Peter, ' how many knives
the children of Israel brought back with them from
Babylon to Jerusalem ?' The clergyman paused and
pondered, but could give no answer. ' Well,' said Peter,
'they just brought back twenty-nine knives ; you will
find it in Ezra i. 9.'
THE L A W Y E R OUTWITTED.
A lawyer and his clerk riding on the road, his clerk
desired to know what was the chief point of the law.
His master said, if he would promise to pay for their
suppers
that night he would tell him, which was agreed to.
' Why, then,' said the master, ' good witnesses are the
chief points in law.' When they came to the inn, the
master bespoke a couple of fowls for supper ; and when
they had supped, told the clerk to pay for them, according
to agreement. ' Oh, sir,' says he, ' where is your
good witness?'
IGNORANCE OF FEAR.
A child of one of the crew of his majesty's ship
Peacock,
during the action with the United States vessel.
Hornet, amused himself with chasing a goat between
decks. Not in the least terrified by destruction and
death all around him, he persisted till a cannon ball
took off both the hind legs of the goat, when, seeing her
disabled, he jumped astride her, crying, ' Now I've
caught you.'
�18
'doctor,'saida person once to a surgeon,'mydaughter
has had a terrible fit this morning ; she continued full
half an hour without knowledge or understanding.' ' Oh,'
replied the doctor, ' never mind that, many people
continue
so all their
lives.'
GRAMMAR FOR THE MILLION,
A young lady at school, engaged in the study of grammar,
was asked if 'kiss' was a common or proper noun.
After some hesitation, she replied, ' It is both common
and proper.'
MODESTY.
There is a young man in Cincinnati who is so modest
that he will not ' embrace an opportunity.' —He would
make a good mate for the lady who fainted when she
heard of the naked truth.
COOKERY-BOOK.
' Has that cookery-book any pictures?' said Miss C. to
a bookseller. ' No, miss, none,' was the answer. ' Why,'
exclaimed the witty and beautiful young lady, ' what is
the use of telling us how to make a good dinner if they
give us no plates !'
IRISHMAN'S NOTION OF DISCOUNT.
It chanced one gloomy day, in the month of December,
that a good-humoured Irishman applied to a merchant
to discount a bill of exchange for him at rather a long,
though not an unusual date ; and the merchant having
casually remarked that the bill had a great many days
to run, ' That's true,' replied the Irishman, 'but then,
my honey, you don't consider how short the days are at
this time of the year !'
Miss WILBERFORCE.
When Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his
sister, an amiable and witty young lady, offered the
compliment
of a new gown to each of the wives of those freemen
who voted for her brother—on which she was
saluted with a cry of 'Miss Wilberforce for ever!'—when
she pleasantly observed, 'I thank you, gentlemen; but
I cannot agree with you—for really I do not wish to be
Miss Wilberforce for ever!'
�19
SENSIBILITY.
A lady who made pretensions to the most refined
feelings,
went to her butcher to remonstrate with him on his
cruel practices. ' How,' said she, 'can you be so barbarous
as to put innocent little lambs to death ?'--- 'Why
not, madam,' said the butcher, ' you would not eat them
alive, would you
?'
ADVANTAGE OF TIME.
A poor man being laughed at for wearing a short cloak,
said, ' It will be long enough before I have done with it.'
THE NEGRO AND HIS LETTER.
_ A coloured man lately went to the post-office, and putting
his nose close up to the delivery box, cried out,
'Louder !' The clerk supposing the negro to be deaf
and that he was making a request of him to speak louder,
so that he could hear, asked him in a very loud tone the
name of the person for whom he wanted the letter.
' Louder !' cried the negro. ' What name ?' yelled the
clerk. ' Louder !' again bawled the negro, who now
supposed the clerk to be deaf. The clerk took a long breath,
and with all his might again bellowed out in the negro's
face the same question—' What name ?' This was done
in so loud a tone, that the echo seemed to return from
the far-off hills. The negro started back in alarm, shouting
to the very top of his big lungs— 'Louder, sir,
L O U D E R ! I told you Louder! my name is nothing else !'
' Oh, ah ! oh, oh !' said the clerk, ' your name is Louder,
eh ? Didn't think of that; here's your letter.'
CHARGE TO A JURY.
An able and learned judge was once obliged to deliver
the following charge to a jury :—' Gentlemen of the jury,
in this case the counsel on both sides are unintelligible ;
the witnesses are incredible ; and both the plaintiff and
defendant are such bad characters, that to me it is
indifferent which way you give your verdict.'
SEVERE REBUKE.
A French field-marshal, who had attained that rank
by court favour, not by valour, received from a lady the
Present of a drum, with this inscription, Made to be beaten.
�20
STAGGERING DRUNK.
A witness having sworn that a prosecutor was staggering
drunk, the counsel, being anxious to ascertain exactly
what he meant by the term, desired the witness to put
himself in the same position
!
A LONG RANGE.
A person of Chelmsford, more ingenious than scrupulous,
paid an account by a bill at 2 months ; but, on
presenting
it at the end of that period, the holder found it
was drawn payable 2 months after death, instead of after
date.
HOW TO UNDERSTAND THE CURRENCY QUESTION.
Open your window at one end of the room, and your
door at the other, on a stormy day, and your knowledge
will be complete.
THREE WONDERS OF WOMEN.
The daughter of a respectable gentleman, aged twenty,
and possessed of no small share of personal attraction,
said the other day, ' She wondered why she had not got
married.' This puts one in mind of the three wonders of
beautiful women. First, at fifteen they wonder who they
shall take; second, at twenty-five they wonder why they
are not taken ; and third, at thirty-five they wonder who
they can find that will take them.
NECESSARY EVILS.
A gentleman was constantly in the habit of calling his
servants, before their faces, ' necessary evils.' He
quarrelled
with one of them, who left him in a rage, said he
was sick of service, and vowed that he would never enter
it again. A few days after, his old master meeting him
in livery, said, ' Poh ! you are gone into service again
after all!' ' Ah, sir, I have found that masters are
' necessary evils.''
LOYALTY.
John, an old dragoon soldier of George the Thirds
time, was descanting lately to his wife Janet, and a few
neighbours, on the virtues and familiarity of his
sovereign,
who had reviewed the regiment to which he
belonged. Jane listened long with admiring patience
but at length put this question,—' Was King George as
great a king as Ahasuerus, John ?' ' Ahasuerus !'
claimed John, with great contempt, ' Ahasuerus! he
wouldn't have made a quarter-master to him.'
�THE POWER OF TRUE LOVE.
A girl in one of the midland counties, who has a swivel
or screw eye, looked so long and affectionately on a gin
bottle, that she actually drew the cork !
HYDROPATHY.
A hairdresser of London was the other day suddenly
and unexpectedly cured of deafness under the hydropathic
system. He was assisting at a fire, when the engine
played into his ear and knocked him down. He arose
with his hearing completely restored.
GROWING DESPERATE.
Col. Greene, of the Boston Post, an old bachelor, gives
the following notice in his paper of the 12th of January:
' Notice — The girls will please take notice, that leap year
will end on the 31st instant.'
THE ALTERNATIVE.
Sir Walter Scott tells a story of a gentleman, who,
irritated at some misconduct of His servant, said, ' John,
either you or I must quit this house,' ' Very well, sir,'
said John, 'where will your honour be ganging to ?'
An Irishman being asked what he came to America
for, said, ' Is't what I came here for, you mane ? Arrah,
by the powers ! you may be sure that it wasn't for want,
for I had plenty of that at home.'
ROYAL WIT.
Lord Eldon told Miss Ridley, his niece, that the king,
speaking to the archbishop, Dr. Charles Manners Sutton,
of his large family, used the expression, 'I believe your
grace has better than a dozen.' 4 No, sire,' said the
archbishop, ' only eleven.' 'Well,' replied the king, 'is not
that better than a dozen ?'
HINT TO EXQUISITES.
A celebrated Parisian dandy was ordered, a few day;
ago, by his physicians, to follow a course of sea-bathing
at Dieppe. Arrived at that delightful bathing-town, he
ordered a machine and attendant, and went boldly into
the water. He plunged in bravely; but, in an instant
After,
came up puffing and blowing. ' Francis,' said he,
'the sea smells detestably; it will poison me. Throw a
little, eau de Cologne into the water, or I shall be
suffocated !'
�22
A NATURAL MISTAKE.
The late witty Samuel William Riley, author of The
Itinerant, seeing a proud and solemn calf of sixty, swelling
down Lord Street, Liverpool, accosted him, politely
touching his hat, ' Excuse me, sir, stopping you in the
street, but I just wished to inquire the rent of the house
No. 10 Great George Street ?' ' Sir,' replied his haughtiness,
'I have no house in Great George Street.' 'Oh!
I beg a thousand pardons, sir,' said Mr. R., 'I thought
all the town belonged to you !
H I G H W A Y M A N A N D SAILOR.
One of the Dover stages, on its way to London, was
stopped by a single highwayman, who was informed by
the coachman there were no passengers inside, and only
one in the basket, and he was a sailor. The robber then
proceeded to exercise his employment on the tar ; when,
waking him out of his sleep, jack demanded what he
wanted ; to which the son of plunder replied, ' Your
money.' ' You shan't have it,' said Jack. ' No!' replied
the robber: then I'll blow your brains out.' ' Blow
away, then you land-lubber,' cried Jack, squirting the
tobacco juice out of his mouth, 'I may as well go to London
without brains as without money: drive on, coachman.'
At Waterloo, a Highland regiment and the Scots
Greys met in the thickest of the tight, and raised the cry
of ' Scotland for ever !' 'And ould Ireland for longer!'
exclaimed an Irish dragoon.
DROWSY R E P L Y .
Sir Edward Bulwer Lytton tells a story of a certain
merchant, who, sleeping in a commercial hotel, had given
orders overnight that he should be called at a particular
hour. Boots was punctual. 'The morning has broke,
sir,' said he, drawing the curtain. 'Let it break and go
to the mischief!' replied the sleepy trader ; 'it owes me
nothing!'
EVILS OR W A R .
One of Punch's friends who was present at the battle
of Navarino, in the peaceful capacity of a passenger,
received a cannon ball in his chest, which utterly
destroyed
a dozen shirts that were packed up in it!
�23
GEORGE COLMAN THE YOUNGER.
A young gentleman being pressed very hard in
company
to sing, even after he had solemnly assured them
that he could not, observed testily that they were wanting
to make a butt of him. ' No, my good sir,' said Mr.
Colman, who was present, ' we only want to get a stave
out of you.'
M A K I N G SURE.
Captain N
, who lately arrived at Boston, when
going up to the wharf, ordered an Irishman to throw
over the buoy; and going below a few minutes, he called
to the Irishman, and asked him if he had thrown the
buoy. ' No,' said he, ' I could not catch the boy, but I
threw over the old cook?
GRACEFUL COMPLIMENT FROM A CHILD.
Washington was visiting a lady in his neighbourhood,
and on his leaving the house a little girl was directed to
open the door. In passing the child, he said, 'I am
sorry, my dear, to give you so much trouble.' 'I wish,
sir,' she replied, 'it was to let you in.'
CLUMSY COMFORT.
An Irishman, placed at the bar, complained bitterly
that he should be placed in such an awkward position,
so far from friends and home. The Judge felt kindly
toward him, and said—' Be calm, young man ; you mayrest assured that, although among strangers, full justice
will be done you.' ' Be me soul, yer honour,' groaned
Pat, ' and it's the fear of that same that throubles me !'
RESULT OF F L A T T E R Y .
An unsuccessful lover was asked by what means he
lost his fair. ' Alas !' cried he, ' I flattered her until she
got too proud to speak to me.'
BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE.
A lady who was very modest and submissive before
Carriage, was observed by a friend to use her tongue
pretty freely after. ' There was a time,' said her friend,
when I almost imagined she had none.' ' Yes,' said
the husband with a sigh, ' but it's very long SINCE.'
�24
K N O W L E D G E IS P O W E R .
While a worthy individual, of the march of intellect
school, was 'laying down the law' the other day to a
knot of acquaintances on one of the streets of Cupar, he
caught the eye of a carter hard by, who had been vainly
endeavouring to raise a sack of potatoes upon his cart,
and who, on the instant, thus appealed to the man of
knowledge—' Come awa', Mr.
; knowledge is power,
ye ken—gie us a lift on wi' this poke o' taties !'
A HARD WORLD.
A man who came to market to dispose of his cattle,
entered into conversation with another on the subject of
'hard times.' ' Yes,' said the cattle dealer with an air
of peevishness, ' times are hard, and this is a hard world
—and, in my opinion, very few will get out of it alive..'
MAKING THE MOST OF I T .
Horne Tooke was the son of a poulterer, which he
alluded to when called upon by the proud striplings of
Eton to describe himself ' I am,' said young Horne,
' the son of an eminent Turkey merchant.'
THE VALUE OF M A R R I E D MEN.
' A little more animation, my dear,' whispered Lady
B
to the gentle Susan, who was walking languidly
through a quadrille. £ Do leave me to manage my own
business, mamma,' replied the provident nymph; ' I
shall not dance my ringlets out of curl for a married man.'
' Of course not, my love; I was not aware who your
partner was.'
QUITE GROUNDLESS.
' I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have
succeeded to a large landed property.' ' And I am
sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is groundless.'
A NOUN OF DIFFICULT DECLENSION.
It is a remarkable fact, that however well young ladies
may be versed in grammar, very few of them are able to
decline matrimony.
AN ACID DROP.
'I don't know where that boy got his bad temper--not from me, I'm sure.' ' No, my dear, for I don't
perceiVe you have lost any.'
�
https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/ff0fbf9b48022eae2bc9f6ac47a891ca.jpg
11ede228c0a85215aa6a934c990c1ca5
Omeka Image File
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Bit Depth
8
Channels
3
Height
3102
Width
1823
Dublin Core
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Title
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Woodcut on the title page portrays a dark-haired woman in a black dress indoors standing next to a fireplace handing a book to a dark-haired child in a white dress.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
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Woodcut 041: Title-page illustration in a single ruled border of a woman in a black dress standing next to a fireplace. She is handing a book to a child in a white dress.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
The Anecdote-Book: A Choice Collection of Anecdotes, Jests, Witty Sayings, Bon Mots, &c., &c. Selected From the Best Sources.
Subject
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Chapbooks - Scotland - Glasgow
Description
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Price One Penny printed at bottom of title page
1 printed at bottom of title-page
Language
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English
Identifier
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<a href="https://ocul-gue.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/permalink/01OCUL_GUE/mrqn4e/alma9953133963505154">s0098b48</a>
Extent
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24 pages
Date
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1850 ? per University of Glasgow Union Catalogue of Scottish Chapbooks
Is Referenced By
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<p dir="ltr"><span>University of Glasgow Union Catalogue of Scottish Chapbooks<br /></span><a href="http://special.lib.gla.ac.uk/chapbooks/search/">http://special.lib.gla.ac.uk/chapbooks/search/</a></p>
Is Part Of
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Chapbook #26 in a bound collection of 34 chapbooks (s0098b48)
Abstract
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A collection of jokes and anecdotes on a variety of topics, containing many stereotypes of people of different nationalities, occupations, class, and gender.
Contributor
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Archival and Special Collections, University of Guelph Library, Guelph, Ontario, Canada
Format
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JPEGs and PDF derived from master file, which was scanned from the original book in 24-bit color at 600 dpi in TIFF format using an Epson Expression 10000XL scanner.
Rights
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In the public domain; For high quality reproductions, contact Archival & Special Collections, University of Guelph. libaspc@uoguelph.ca 519-824-4120 Ext. 53413
Publisher
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Glasgow: Printed for the Booksellers
Source
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Archival & Special Collections, University of Guelph Library, Guelph, Ontario
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
wit & humor
# of Woodcuts: 1
Architecture: fireplace
Architecture: house
Architecture: window(s)
Bib Context: title-page
Chapbook Date: 1841-1850
Chapbook Date: 1851-1860
Chapbook Genre: wit & humor
Chapbook Publisher - Glasgow: Printed for the Booksellers
Fashion (Clothing): upper class
Furniture: chair(s)
Gender: girl(s)
Gender: woman/women
Indoor Scene
Object: book(s)