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THE
SCRAP-BOOK:
A SELECTION OF THE BEST
JOKES, PUNS, COMIC SAYINGS,
JONATHANISMS, &c., &c.
GLASGOW?
PRINTED
FOr
THE
BOOKSELLERS.
Price One Penny.
2
��THE
SCRAP-BOOK.
A gentleman, complaining to his bootmaker that a pate
of boots recently sent were too short, and that he wanted
a pair to cover the whole calf, had the following jeu
sent to him :—
d'esprit
These boots were never made for me,
They are too short by half;
I want them long enough, d'ye see,
To cover all the calf.
Why, sir, said Last, with stifled smile,
To alter them I'll try;
But if they cover all the calf \
They must be;five feet high.
A gentleman, who had gained a handsome fortune by
unremitted industry, was once accosted with, ' I say,
John, why don't you have a coat of arms on your
arms ; when I first came into L
I wore a coat
carriage
without
An elderly lady, telling her age, remarked that she
was born on the 22d of April. Her husband, who was
present, observed, * I always thought you were born on
the first of April.' ' People might well judge so,'
responded
A gentleman remarking that he had lost his watch
through the carelessness of a servant, in leaving the house
concluded by saying—' However, it was a poor one.
Miss B. replied, ' Why, sir, a gentleman like you
should have kept a better watch:
Unguarded,
A gentleman looking at his watch, just after midnight,
it is to-morrow morning ! i must bid you goodnight
arms.'
?' ' Oh !' said th
the matron, ' in the
�4
* That's what I call a repetition,' exclaimed a friend
the other day. 4 What's that, Tom ?' said we. 4 Why,
look at that sign across the way—J. E. Weller, jeweller.'
lAm I not a little pale
inquired a lady, who was
rather short and corpulent, of a crusty old bachelor.
4 You look more like a big tub,' was the blunt reply.
An Irishman fights before he reasons; a Scotchman
reasons before he fights ; an Englishman is not
accommodate his customers,
particular
A recent philosopher discovered a method to avoid
being dunned ! 4 How—how—how?' we hear everybody
asking. Never run in debt.
4 How beautiful,' said a lady, 4 the face of nature looks
after undergoing a shower !' 4 Yes, madam, and so
would yours"; after undergoing a similar process.'
Dr. Samuel Johnson, when travelling in
Invernessshire
think we have been deviating the last half hour.' 4 Like
4 but I've been divoting here
eneuch,' replied the man,
sin' six o'clock this morning.'
w
A pretty girl was lately complaining to a friend that
she had a cold, and was sadly plagued in her lips by
chaps (cracks or clefts.) 4 Friend,' said Obadiah, 4 thee
should never suffer the chaps to come near thy lips.'
An American physician announces that he has changed
his residence to the neighbourhood of the churchyard,
which he hopes may prove a convenience to his
numerous
pa
When Bishop Aylmer observed his congregation inattentive, he used t
Bible, at which the people naturally stared with
astonishment.
listening to what concerned them not, while they were
inattentive to matters in which their best interests were
deeply involved.
If wisdom's ways you'd wisely seek,
Five things observe with care:
Of whom you speak—to whom you speak—•
And how—and when—and where.
�5
4 What is light ? asked a schoolmaster of the booby of
a class. 1 A sovereign that isn't full weight is light,' was
the prompt reply.
If your sister, while tenderly engaged in a tender
conversation
a glass of water from an ad joining room, you can start
on the errand, but you need not return. You will not be
missed, that's certain—we've seen it tried. Don't forget
this, little boys.
Lord Campbell tells of a judge who wound up a
one-pound note, in this horribly facetious manner:—4 And
I trust that, through the merits and mediation of our
blessed Redeemer, you may there experience that mercy
which a due regard to the credit of the paper currency
of the country forbids you to hope for here.'
with her tender sweetheart, as
sentence
of death, at
because
you can catc
4 Illustrated with cuts,' said a young urchin, as he drew
his jack-knife across the leaves of his spelling-book.
"Which travels fastest, heat or cold ? Heat does ;
Why is an infant like a diamond ? Because it is a
dear little thing.
A correspondent asks, 4 Whom do the papers mean by
Our Foreign Relations?' Why, our Cousins-German,
of course.
Dr. Franklin, talking of a friend of his who had been
a Manchester dealer, said, 4 That he never sold a piece
of tape narrower than his own mind/
There is a man at Gravesend so mean, that he wishes
his landlord to reduce the price of his board, because he
has had two of his teeth extracted.
A fop, just returned to England from a continental
tour, was asked how he liked the ruins of Pompeii. ' Not
very well,' was the reply ; 4 they are so dreadfully out of
repair!'
During a consultation of physicians on the character
of a Bacchanalian patient, how to cure his fever, and
abate his thirst, the sick man observed, ' Gentlemen, if
you will cure the fever, I will take half the trouble off
your hands, and abate the thirst myself.'
�6
A glass of soda water was offered the other day to an
Irishman, who rejected it with the greatest indignation.
4 Do you think I am a salamander,' said he, 4 to drink
water boiling hot V
By Mac and 0 , you'll always know
True Irishmen, they say;
For if they lack both '0 and Mac,
No Irishmen are they.
Law and logic are like a piece of india-rubber, easily
pulled into any shape.
An amorous swain told the story of his heart's
affections
with a microscope. Fatal gift! she viewed his imperfections thr
An authoress speaks of boys of eighteen or twenty as
having arrived at an 4 age of detestability.'
In a certain benighted part of the country may be seen,
on the outside of a humble cottage, the following
inscription
in
4 A Seminary for Young Ladies
This was, perhaps, too abstruse for the villagers, as immediately und
4 Notey Beny—Allso, a Gals skool.'
An Irishman some time ago was committed to the
House of Correction for a misdemeanour, and sentenced
to work on the tread-wheel for the space of a month.
He observed, at the expiration of his task,—4 What a
grate dale of fatigue and botheration it would have saved
us poor crathers, if they had but invinted it to go by
stheeme, like all other water-mills; for burn me if I have
not been afther going up stairs for this four weeks, but
could not reach the chamber-door at all, at all.'
A Dutch householder, bragging of his worldly gear,
writes:—
I've got a pig cat and I've got a pig tog,
I've got a pig calf and I've got a pig hog,
I've got a pig baby so pig and so tall,
And I've got a pig vife dat's pigger as all.
4 Class
in spelling, come up and recite.' * yeth, thir.
spell effects; 4 F-X.' ' r i g h t , Next, spell seedy,
4C-D:
4 right again.'
4 John,
�7
Why are young ladies like arrows ?
all in a quiver when the beaus come.
BecauSe they are
Why is a talkative young man like a young pig ?
An Irishman being informed that it was the intention
of the government to call out the militia, made the
where I'm quartered.'
Because,
following
if he lives, he
reply:—' I'm hanged if I care
Why is a good sermon like a kiss ? Do you give it up ?
Because it only requires two heads and an application I
' I do declare, Sal, you look pretty enough to eat.
' Well, Solomon, ain't 1 eating as fast as I can ? replied
Sal, with her mouth full.
' Barber, I think this towel has been in use long
enough !' 'It has been used more than six weeks, and
no one has ever found fault with it before.'
A romantic youth promenading in a fashionable street
of New York, picked up a thimble. He stood awhile,
meditating upon the probable beauty of the owner, when
he pressed it to his lips, saying, 4 Oh that it were the
fair cheek of the wearer !' Just as he had finished, a
stout elderly negress looked out of an upper window, and
said, 4 Massa, jist please to bring dat fimble of mine in de
entry—I jist drapt it.'
Two Irishmen meeting one day, one of them inquired
of the other if he had seen his friend Pat Murphy lately:
1 For,' said he, ' he has grown so thin that you would not
know him at all. You are thin, and I am thin, but, by
the powers, he is thinner than both of us put together.'
1 Sambo, whar you get dat watch you wear to meetin'
lass Sunday ? 4 how you know hab watch ? 4 Bekase
I seed de chain hang out de pocket in front.' ' Go 'way,
nigger ! ' Spose you see halter round my neck, you tink
dar is horse inside ob me
?
^ A person in want of an occupation, and advertising for
the same in the Times, informs the world, that 4 The
advertiser
being highly respectable,
suit.' ^ This gentleman seems to be somewhat less consequential logically than he is personally. Hi
given as K.—Should it not have been'S.N.O.B. ?
�8
* Colonel W
is a fine-looking man, isn't he ? said
a friend the other day. ' Yes,' replied another ; 4 1 was
taken for him once.' 4 You ! why you're as ugly as sin.'
' I don't care for that, I was taken for him once—I
A witness in an Irish Court of Justice stated that he
was suddenly roused from his slumbers by a blow on his
head. ' And how did you find yourself ? asked the
endorsed
coun
4 If you are a cingle man, Pik, taik my advice, and
stay so ; or, if you will marry—if you mus have a wyf—
never permit yourself to be overcum by a widder ? Thems
the sentiments of one who has tried and noes.'
4 It is a curious fact,' says the Medical Times, 4 that the
most carnivorous quadrupeds are more averse to
devouring
tender sex.
A witty rogue, brought before a Parisian tribunal for
a drunken riot, on one occasion, assured the bench that
he was not a drunkard, but in his childhood he was
bitten by a mad dog, and he had ever since a horror of
water.
4 1 don't like to play forfeits,' said Jemima, 4 and have
all the fellows kissing me—it makes me commonprop
responded Bemus.
The local American papers state that a teacher in
Virginia, giving lessons in geography, asked a boy,
' What state do you live in ? The urchin hit the fact
when he bawled out, 4 A state of sin and misery.'
Dr. Wing, being asked where a young lady's waist
began, replied, 4 At the altar. The moment they have
you trapped, they come down on your pocket-book like a
hawk upon a May bug. After they are married they
are all waste.'' What a libellous fellow !
The principal of an academy, in his advertisement,
mentioned his female assistant, and the 4 reputation for
teaching which she bears;' but the printer—carelessfellow
forth commending the lady's reputation for 4 teaching
she bears /'
�9
Mrs. Partington came into the room in a state of great
excitement. 4 Do you know,' said she, 1 they have formed
another of those coalitions? Well, 1 declare it is too
bad. The price of coals will be up to I don't know what.'
' Bill, you young scamp, if you had your due, you'd get
a good whipping.' 4 1 know it, daddy, but bills are not
always paid when due.' The agonised father trembled lest
his hopeful son should be suddenly snatched from him.
A young man being cured of a martial predilection
by being present in a skirmish, it was said of him that
he had an itch for military distinction, but the smell of
sulphur cured it.
A man by the name of Philo, who was married to a
lady named Sophy, observed, that uniting his name with
the lady's, put him in possession of philosophy.
A captain of a vessel loading coals, went into amerchant'scounting-ho
The merchant, looking towards his clerks, replied—41
have a number of them, but none, I believe, wish to be
hauled over the coals.'
An old farmer, whose son had died lately, was visited
by a neighbour, who began to condole with him on his
loss. ' My loss!' exclaimed the father, 1 no such thing—
his own loss—he was of age.'
A vagrant called at a house on a Sunday, and begged
for some cider. The lady refused to give him any, and
he reminded her of the oft-quoted remark, that she
4 might entertain an angel unawares.'
4 Yes,' said she,
4 but angels don't go about drinking cider on Sundays.'
Time to me this truth has taught,
'Tis a truth that's worth revealingMore offend for want of thought
Than from any want of feeling.
If advice we would convey,
There's a, time we should convey i t ;
If we've but a word to say,
There's a time in which to say it.
A Yankee editor remarked, in a polemical article, that
though he would not call his opponent a liar, he must
that if the gentleman had intended to state what was
utterly false, he had been remarkably successful in his
attempt,
'
Say,
�10
A celebrated divine, who had prided himself upon his
originality, and who would reject his best thought if he
imagined it was traceable to any previous author, was
startled one day by a friend coolly telling him that every
word of his favourite discourse was stolen from a book
he had at home. The astonished writer, staggered by
his friend's earnestness, begged for a sight of this volume.
He was, however, released from his misery by the other
smilingly announcing the work in question to be 4
Johnson's
undertake to find every word of your discourse.'
D
After listening to Bushfield Ferrand's fervid appeal at
New Malton, a shrewd Yorkshire farmer was asked what
he thought of the speech ? His reply was, simply, 4 Why,
I don't know, but I think six hours' rain would nae done
us a deal mair good !'
A n American, formerly master of a vessel, who recently
returned from California, where he has been operating
for about a couple of years, was thus accosted :—' Well,
Captain H., I suppose you have made enough this trip
to stay at home, and lay off the rest of your days ?'—
4 Well, yes, I have made something.'
Pursuinghis'interroga
stuff did you bring home ?'—4 Well, sir, about as much as
a good donkey could haul down-hill upon ice.'
During the late session at N — — , a man was brought
up by a farmer, and accused of stealing some ducks. The
farmer said, he should know them anywhere, and went
on to describe their peculiarity. 4 Why,*' said the counsel
for the prisoner, 4 they can't be such a very rare breed—
I have some like them in my yard.' 4 That's very likely,
sir,' said the farmer: 4 these are not the only ducks of the
sort I have had stolen lately.'
There is one disease that a miser is pretty sure never
to die of—-and that is, 4 enlargement of the heart.'
Medicine has killed as many people as war. Powder
and pills are as fatal as powder and ball. Be careful,
therefore, how you allow people to shoot them into you.
4 Och, an' what's yer honor agoin' to give me, seeing as
it's myself that saved yer honor's house from turnin' to
ashes intirely?' 4 How, so, Pat?'— 4 An sure, when it
cotched afire, wasn't I the second one that hollered fire
first?'
�11
Come, Doctor,' said a sinner to a clerical saint, ' 1 can
give you a treat—a bottle of claret forty years old.' The
doctor was in raptures, and eagerly accepted the
only to be a pint bottle. ' Waes me,' said he, taking it
up in his hand, 4 but it's unco wee of its age !'
44
invitation
When Nelson said to his men at Trafalgar, 4 England
expects every man to do his duty,' three Scotchmen who
were standing at their guns exclaimed, 4 He never
mentioned
himself, rejoined, 4 His Lordship is just coaxing the
English ; he knows Sandy will do his work when wanted,
without coaxing.'
A short time since, an invalid sent for a physician; and,
after detaining him for some time with a description of
his pains, said, ' Now, doctor, you have humbugged me
long enough with your good-for-nothing pills and
worthless
you would strike the cause of my ailment, if it'is in your
4 It shall be done,' said the doctor, at
power to reach it.'
the same time lifting his cane, and demolishing a decanter
of spirits that stood upon the sideboard.
A man with one eye laid a wager with another man,
that he (the one-eyed person) saw more than the other.
The wager was accepted. 4 You have lost,' says the
first; 4 1 can see the two eyes in your face, and you can
see only one in mine.'
An old clergyman was in the habit, as soon as he got
into the pulpit, of placing his sermon in a crevice under
the cushion, where he left it during the singing of the
accustomed psalm. One Sunday he pushed the sermonbook too far into the crevice, and lost it. When the psalm
was concluded, he called the clerk to bring him a Bible.
The clerk, somewhat astonished at this unusual request,
brought him a Bible as he was desired. The clergyman
opened it, and thus addressed his congregation—4 My
brethren, I have LOST MYSERMON; but I will read you a,
chapter in JobWORTHTEN OF IT.'
Mrs. Wagner having presented her husband
daughter, He 'put it in the Times,' which was
well; but we are not satisfied that he was called
add, 'her eleventh child,' unless he intended
warning to bachelors.
with a
all very
upon to
it as a
; when, to his
poor Scotia;' but one of the
syrups; they don't touch the re
�12
An old gentleman of eighty years having taken to the
altar a young damsel of sixteen, the clergyman said to
him, 4 The font is at the other end of the church.'4
Whatdo
beg your pardon,' said the clerical wit, 1 1 thought you
had brought this child to be christened.'
In a club, the other day, sat two gentlemen, one of
whom has attained fame upon canvas, the other upon
paper. He of the pencil was remarkably complimentary
to him of the pen—so much so indeed, that the latter at
length, with a good-natured laugh, exclaimed, 4 Why,
my good fellow, you really show the versatility of your
genius in the most striking light: you prove that you
can paint not only in oil, but—in butter!'
Horne Tooke, being asked by George III. whether he
played at cards, replied, 4 1 cannot, your majesty, tell a
king from a knave.'
A sign in front of a shop in a village near Exeter, has
the following :—4 Kakes and bear, sold her.' An addition
in width has been added, to inform the public, that 4 1
make my sign a little vider, to let the people know that
I sell sider.'
A fire-eating Irishman, covered with wounds received
in duels, challenged a barrister* who gratified him by an
acceptance. The duellist, unable to stand without support, requeste
said he, * I lean against this milestone ?' 4 With
pleasure,'
r
against the next.' The challenger burst into a roar of
laughter at the joke, and swore he would not fight so
good-humoured a gentleman.
A Glasgow youth walking with his sweetheart along
Queen-street of that city, stopped at the door of a pastry
cook's shop, and addressing his lady-love, said, ' Now,
my dear, what will you take ? She, expecting to be
treated to some of the good things of the shop, modestly
replied, 4 1 will take anything you like.' 4 Then,' sayS
he, 4 we will take a walk,' and marched past the shop.
A gentleman one day observed to Henry E r s k i n e , who
was a great punster, that punning was the lowest of wit*
4 It is so,' answered Erskine, 4 and therefore the foundation
of all wit'
�13
Maximilian being requested to grant an individual a
patent of nobility for a certain sum—4 I can make you
richer,' said Maximilian,4 but none can ennoble you "but
your own virtue?
The late Lord Jeffrey, when pleading one day before
old Lord Newton, the judge stopped him, and asked him
in broad Scotch, ' Whaur were ve educat, Mr. Jeffrey ?'
'Oxford, my lord.' ' Then I doubt ye maun gang back
there agin, for we can mak nocht o' ye here.' On
another occasion, the advocate, in stating his case before
the same judge, happened to speak of an itinerant
4 Vulgarly * so called, my lord,' answered the spirited
advocate.
violinist.
4 D'ye
mean a blin' fiddler
The only kind of mistakes we are in favour of is when
an old bachelor gets married.
Such miss-stakes are
popular among the ladies.
Lord Braxfield (a Scotch judge) once said to an
mon, but I'm thinking ye wad be nane the waur o' a
hanginV
Why should Joseph Ady be a leading man in the
decided passion for the universal diffusion of letters.
eloquent
education
culprit at the bar,
4 Yo
movement ?—Because he has all
We notice the marriage of Mr. Day to Miss Field,
which presents this singular anomaly, that although he
won the Field, she gained the Day.
Some things come by odd names. The most
uncommon
half a mile long is a 4 brief;' and a melancholy ditty,
devoid of sense or meaning, is a 4 glee.'
quality in nature is called ' common
The following bull appears in the AmericanPresident'smessage rece
with all the world, and we seek to maintain our cherished
relations with the rest of mankind.'
When James Beresford, author of 4 The Miseries of
•Human Life,' was at the Charterhouse School, he was a
Remarkably gay and noisy fellow ; and one day, having
Played truant to attend a concert, the school (says
southey) was so quiet without him, that his absence WaS
atoncedetected, and brought upon him a flogging.
�A gentleman while skating fell into the water, and
ran imminent risk of his life. A man with some
difficulty
preserver with a sixpence. The bystanders expressed
some surprise respecting the insufficiency of the sum ;
but the man coolly observed, that the gentleman knew
'best what his own life was worth, and walked off.
The following anecdote is told in illustration of the
Scotch veneration for the Sabbath :—A geologist, while
in the country, and having his pocket hammer with him,
took it out and was chipping the rock by the wayside for
examination. His proceedings did not escape the quick
eye and ready tongue of an old Scotch woman. 4 What
are you doing there, man ? 1 Don't you see ? I'm
breaking a stone.' 4 Y'are doing mair than that; y'are
breaking the Sabbath.'
An old bachelor, in counselling a young friend,
hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.'
cautioned
A young gentleman was recently asked to 'take
something.'
sixpence, which he accordingly" pocketed and marched
off.
It is considered a great compliment in the east, to say
to a young girl, 4 Your skin is as clear and beautiful as
the fresh peel of an onion just drawn out from between
its flakes!'
A Bremen journal contains the following advertisement :—4 A young
married, is desirous of meeting a man of experience who
will dissuade him from such a step. Address,' &c.
It is not always a mark of kindness to possess an open
countenance* A n alligator is a deceitful creature, and
yet he presents an open countenance when in the very
act of taking you in.
When Prince Gonzago was in England, he dined in
company with Dr. Johnson, and thinking it was a polite
thing to drink the doctor's health with some p r o o f that
he had read his works, called out from the top of the
table to the bottom—that table filled with company—
4 At your good health, Mr. Vagabond!' instead of Mr.
Rambler/
�15
' I say, Henry Charles, you have been to hong-Kong,
haven't you?'—'Yes.' 'Well, can you speak China?
4 y-e-s, a little: that is, I speak broken china?
41 shall soon die, Cuffy—I must soon set out upon a
long journey.' 4 Berry well (replied Cuffy), I guess hab
good going, because it's all the way down hill.'
Mr. Hunt, in a lecture on Common Law, has remarked,
* That a lady, when she married, lost her personalidentity—herdistinctive
swallowed by a sunbeam.'
To such an extent is veneration for the fair sex carried
in San Francisco, that a party of Oregonians stopped to
have a dance round an old cast-off bonnet.
' Will the galvanic rings cure depression ?' asked a
lady. 4 What has caused the complaint, ma'am V asked
the doctor. 4 The loss of my husband,' mournfully replied
the lady. 4 Then you had better get a wedding ring,'
answered the doctor.
A gentleman sat down to write a deed, and began with
4 Know all women by these presents.' 4 You are wrong,'
said a bystander' it ought to be "know all men,'" 'Very
well,' answered the other, 4 if all women know it, all men
will, of course.'
Conductor (very loud).—4Go on, Bill; here's that ugly
old cove wot always kicks up such a row, and makes
hisself
so disagreeable, jus
, Driver.—' Oh, as he ? Hi've a deuced good mind to
pitch im hover, hand break his stupid old 'ed !'
What news to-day ? said a merchant to his friend
lately.^ 4 What news ?' responded the other, 4 nothing,
only times are growing better ; people are getting on
their legs again.' 4 On their legs !' said the first.' 4 1
don't see how you can make that out.' 4 Why, yes,'
walk now; is not that getting on their legs again'?'
' What are you going to give me for a Christmas
man, who meekly replied, that he had nothing to offer
but his humble self. 4 The smallest favours gratefully
received,' was the cheerful response.
replied
present
the other, 4 folks
?' asked a merry damsel o
�16
A gent, was asked what kind o f ' gal' he preferred for
his wife. 4 One,' he said, 4 that wasn't prodi-gal, but
frugal—a
Buggins {at breakfast table).— 'Mary Anne, bring me a
egg.'
Finished Daughter4
An egg, if you please, father; an
egg, not a egg—pray speak correctly.'
Buggins4
A negg is it, my dear—a negg, eh ? Well,
Mary Anne, instead of one, you may bring two neggs!'
A N IRISHMAN'S DESCRIPTION OF MAKING A CANNON.—
Take a long hole and pour brass round it.
The Dublin Commercial Journal has the following:
" One of the habitues of the theatre the other evening,
talking of female authors, said that, though they have
tact, grace, and finesse, they have no creative genius, and
seldom produce any perfect work. i It is easy to see,' said
Mrs. L., the actress,4 that it was a woman who gave you
birth.' w
A gentleman dining at a fashionable hotel, whose
servants
them for a cut of beef After a long time the lad returned,
and placing it before the faint and hungry gentleman,
was asked, 4 Are you the lad who took away my plate
for this beef ?'—4 Yes, sir.'—4 Bless me,' resumed the
hungry wit, 6 how you have grown !'
'Father,' said a juvenile apothecary, to his learned
'dad,' 4 what's the reason they don't use pestles in battle?'
4 Pestles, my son, what should they do with pestles in
battle?' 4 Why, the Wellington dispatches say the
mortars did great execution, and I can't see how, without
pestles?' 4 Pound away, my son, and don't puzzle me
with your questions. Mortars and pestles do a great deal
of damage, without being used on the field of battle.'
A clergyman, coming to a poor woman's cabin, amongst
other questions asked her how many commandments
there were? 4 Truly, sir,' said she, 4 1 cannot tell'— 4 Why,
ten,' said he.— 1 A fine company,' replied she, 4 God bless
you and them together.'—4 Well, but neighbour,' says he,
* do you keep these commandments ?'—' Ah, the Lord in
heaven bless you, sir, I am a poor woman, and can
hardly keep myself; so how can I bear the charge of
keeping so many commandments
?
were 4 f
�(17
The following notice appeared on the west end of a
church in Watling Street: 4 Any person sticking bills
against this church, will be prosecuted according 'to law,
or ANY OTHER NUISANCE.'
A horse-dealer, selling a nag, frequently observed, with
much earnestness, that he was an honest horse. After the
purchase, the gentleman asked him what he meant by an
honest horse. 4 Why, I'll tell you,' replied the Jockey.
4 Whenever I rode him, he always threatened to throw
me ; and hang me if he ever deceived me.'
An Englishman and a Welshman disputing in whose
country was the best living, the Welshman said, 4 There
is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known
about a dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner.'
4 Ah,' answered the Englishman, 4 that was because every
man toasted his own cheese.'
An Irishman having accidentally broken a pane of
glass in a window, was making the best of his way out of
sight; but, unfortunately for Pat, the proprietor"stole a
march on him ; and having seized him by the collar,
' To be sure I did,' said Pat; 4 and didn't you see me
exclaimed,
running
4 You broke my wi
home for money to p
4 1 should just like to pay you off,' as John Bull said to
the National Debt.
-1 wish I could get things into the right train,' as the
unprotected female said to herself, when she saw her
luggage going away from her in all directions.
4 ^ Why is a hen walking, like a conspiracy ?—Because
it's a foul proceeding.
What is the difference between a chicken with a wing
and one without a wing?—There is a difference of a
pinion (opinion).
We may set it down as an axiom, that young ladies
cannot know everybody's name, when it is utterly
twelvemonth hence!
A Yankee student being asked how many genders
there were, said 'three—masculine, feminine, and neutral;'
and defined them as follows:—' Masculine, men.; feminine,
women ; and neutral, old bachelors.'
impossible
for them to know what
�18
'Shon,' Said a Dutchman, 'you may say what you
please pout pad neighbours ; I have had te vorst
neighbours
wit dere ears split, and todder day two of them come home
missing
Soon after Dr. Johnson's return from Scotland to
London, a Scottish lady, at whose house he was, as a
compliment ordered some hotch-potch for his dinner.
After the Doctor had tasted it, she asked him if-it
was good ? To which he replied, * Very good for hogs /'
4 Then pray,' said the lady, 'allow me to help you to a
little more of it.'
An Irish doctor advertises, that the deaf may hear of
him at a house in Liffey Street, where his blind patients
may see him from 10 till 3.
4 Pat,' said a gent, to his servant, 'what's all that noise
in the street ?' 4 Oh, nothing, sir; they're only forcing a
man to turn volunteer.'
When you are in at a neighbour's in the evening, and
a man asks his wife how long before she is going to bed,
you may safely conclude that you had better leave.
The following advertisement appeared lately in an
Irish newspaper: 4 This is to notify Patrick 0'Flaherty,
who lately left his lodgings, that if he does not return
soon, and pay for the same, he shall be advertised.''
Some days ago, a pretty, bright little juvenile friend,
some five years of age, named Rosa, was teased a good
deal by a gentleman who visits the family; he finally
wound up by saying: 4 Rosa, I don't love you.' 4 Ah, but
you've got to love me,' said the child. 4 How so ? asked
her tormentor. 4 Why,' said Rosa, 4 the Bible says you
must love them that hate you, and I am sure I hate you!'
At an infant-school examination a few days ago, the
examiner asked, 4 What fish eat the little ones ? * The
big 'uns,' shouted a little urchin.
4 Don't you understand me, Jim ?'
thundered the old
man. 4 Why, you must be quite a fool.' 4 True, I am
very near one, meekly replied Jim.
A constant frequenter of city feasts having grown
enormously fat, it was proposed to write on his back,
Widened at the expense of the Corporation.'
�19
• * Well, Alick, how's your brother Ike getting along
these times V ' Oh, first rate—got a good start in the
world ; married a widow with nine children.'
A little girl inquired of her friend, who had passed her
eighth year, ' What causes the rain V to which the
the tears shed by angels over the sins of the world.'
following
beautiful reply was given: ' T
. A gentleman, inquiring of a naval officer why sailors
generally take off their shirts when going into* action,
was answered, ' that they may not nave any check to
fightin'.'
An American editor states that a friend of his carries
his sense of honour so far, as to spend all his time in
advantage of time.
perfect
idleness, because he do
A poor Irishman offered an old saucepan for sale. His
children gathered around him, and inquired why he
parted with it. ' Ah, my honeys,' answered he, 4 1 would
not be a f t e r parting with it, but for a little money to
buy something to put in it.'
A gentleman calling for some beer at another gentleman's
again without drinking. 4 'What!' said the master of the
house, ' don't you like the beer ?' ' It is not to be found
fault with,' answered the other, 4 for we should never
speak ill of the dead:
table, finding it very bad, gave it to
At an excellent hotel, not a hundred miles from
Liverpool,
they were one day short of a
Wived Hibernian was hastily made to supply the place
or a more expert hand. ' ' Now, Barney,' said mine host,
mind you serve every man with soup, anyhow.' ' Bedad. I'll do the s a m e >'
the alert Barney.
°n the start, and Barney, after helping all but one guest,
c a m e upon the last one.
' Soup, sir ?' said Barney." 4 No
S0?P for me,' said the gent.
4 But you must have it,'
l m -Barney; 'it is the rules of the house.' ' D—n the
house,
exclaimed the guest, highly exasperated ; 'when
'i don't want soup I won't eat it—get along with you.'
well said barney, with solemnity, 'all I can say is jist
the regulations of the house, and the divi'l a
drop else ye'll get till ye finish the soup!' The traveller
n gave in, and the soup was gobbled.
�20
Lately in the Court of Exchequer, a builder'sscaff
and does nothing, and orders everybody else to work.'
Some time ago, a provision merchant's shop in Leith
had on its signboard, 4 Butter sold here for smearing
sheep and bakers.'
4 Well, John,' said a doctor to a lad, whose mother he
had been attending during her illness, 'how is your
mother V 4 She's dead, I thank you, sir,' was the reply.
A gentleman well acquainted with a certain alderman,
being asked what sort of a Lord Mayor he thought he
would make, answered, ' An unaccountable one.'
Horace Walpole tells a story of a Lord Mayor of
small-pox twice, and died of it, asked if he died the first
time or the second.
Lon
A servant girl said the other day, that she gave but
twelve pence for the cap she had on her head ; a
gentleman
4 A steam-boat (Jonathan says) has got a saw-mill on
one side, and a grist-mill on t'other, and a blacksmith's
shop in the middle, and down cellar there's a tarnation
great pot boiling all the time.'
"Why is twice eleven like twice ten ? Because twice
eleven is twenty-two, and twice ten is twenty too.
A letter passed through the Shields Post-office a short
time ago, * For BetsyROBINSON,a Scotch Woman with
One Eye, Carey Bank, North Shields.'
A woman offering to sign a deed, the judge asked her
whether her husband compelled her to sign. 4 He
' How is your son to-day V asked a friend of a
to compose his agitated features: 4 Very bad, indeed! i
would not give ten per cent, for his chance of life.'
^J
6 You had better ask for manners than money,' said a
finely-dressed gentleman to a beggar boy who had asked
for alms. 4 1 asked for what I thought you had the most
of,' was the boy's reply.
compe
stockbrot
�21
Pat. Murphy, residing in Raymond Street, was lately
fined twenty shillings and costs, for keeping six full*
grown pigs in his front 'parlour !
4 1 wonder how they make lucifer matches?' said a
young lady to her husband, with whom she was always
quarrelling. 4 The process is very simple—I once made
one,' he answered. 'How did you manage it?'—'By
leading you to church.'
W e are authorised to say that Mr. John Macdonald of
Mansfield Wood House, who attained his hundredth year
last November, will run any man in England, his own
weight and age, for any sum. N.B.—No hurdles.
A gentleman passing through one of the public offices
was affronted by some clerks, and was advised to
abused here by some of the rascals in this place, and have
come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are the
principal.'
complain
to the principal
A young lady, a native of Sydney, being asked if she
should like to go to Britain, answered that she should
like to see it, but not to live in it. On being pressed for
her reason, she replied, 4 That from the large number of
bad people sent out from thence, it must surely be a very
wicked place to live in !'
Did our readers ever remark that the gentlemen who
* carry round the plate, and who are always on a cold
scent after a penny, are not themselves very liberal in
their contributions ? 4 Why don't you put in something?'
asked a contributor, of oneof'these Sunday sub-treasurers,
on one occasion. 4 That's my business,' was the reply :
* what I give is nothing to nobody /'
'What are you writing there, my boy?' asked a fond
parent the other day of his hopeful son and heir, a shaver
of ten years.—4 My'composition, thir.' 4 What is thesubject?'—'Internationallaw, thir,' replied the
Grotius ; ' but really I shall be unable to conthentrate my
ideas, and give them a logical relation, if I am
conthantly interrupted in thith manner by irrelevant
inquiries.'
A widow said once to her daughter, 4 When you are of
age, you will be dreaming of a husband.' 4 Yes,
mamma,' replied the thoughtless little hussy,6 for a
second
time,
�22
* What are you about, my dear V said his grandmother
to a little boy who was sliding along the room, and casting
furtive glances at a gentleman who was paying a visit.
41 am trying, grandmamma, to steal papa's hat out of the
room, without letting that one see it,' said he, pointing
to the gentleman, 4 for papa wants him to think that he .
is out.'"
O'Connell, in one of his speeches in Conciliation Hall,
told his followers, that if measures injurious to Ireland
were brought into Parliament, he would go over to
opposition to them;' and when he came back he would say,
* Are you for Repeal now ?'
England,
A few days since, a person threw the head of a goose
on to the stage of the Belleville Theatre. Cotru
advancing
you has lost his head, do not be uneasy, for I will restore
it on the conclusion of the performance.'
A Liverpool furrier informs those ladies 4 who wish to
have a really genuine article,' that he will be happy to
make them muffs, boas, &c., of 4THEIR OWN SKINS!'
A provincial contemporary is ungallant enough to say
that the ladies—Heaven bless 'em !—are never in time
except on the wedding-day, and then they wait up all
night to prevent being too late in the morning.
An advertisement of cheap shoes and fancy articles,
inserted in a certain newspaper, has the following nota
bene:—4N.B. Ladies wishing those cheap shoes will do
well to call soon, as they will not last long'
A retired son of St. Crispin, who had amassed considerable wealth, used to put the letters F.R.S. and C.
after his name. He translated them thus:—4 First Rate
Shoemaker and Cobbler.'
4 What are you engaged in ?' said the head printer of
a newspaper establishment to one of the compositors.
4 In an elopement.'
4 Stop,' said his interrogator, 4 1 want
you to share in a murder.'
4 Make way here,' said a member of a republican
deputation, 4 we are the representatives of the people.'
4 Make way yourself,' shouted a sturdy fellow from the
throng, 4 we are the people themselves!'
�23
The following advertisement was recently inserted in
a New York paper:—6 "Wanted—An experienced nurse
to take charge of a young child, between 30 and 35 years
old, of unexceptionable character and good reference.
None need apply who cannot produce the best testimonials.'
A simple Highland girl, on her way home for the
north, called, as she passed by Crieff upon an old master
with whom she had formerly served. Being kindly
ceremony of asking a blessing having been gone through,
the poor girl, anxious to compliment, as she conceived,
her ancient host, exclaimed, 4 Ah, master, ye maun hae
a grand memory, for that's the grace ye had when I was
wi' you seven years ago.'
invited
by him to share in t
A countryman busy sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, one of them called to him with an
insolent air, 4 Well, honest fellow,' said he, 4 'tis your
business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour.'
To which the countryman replied, 4 'Tis very like you
may, for I am sowing hemp.'
A wit being asked what the word genius meant,
replied,
4
If you had it in yo
means.'
A person, who was famous for arriving just at
dinnertime,
visitor), was asked by a lady of the house if he would do
as they did. On his*replying he should be happy to have
the pleasure, she replied, 4 Dine at home, then.' He, of
course, had received his quietus for some time, at least.
upon going to a friend's (
Two gentlemen, a few days since, took a boat at Blackfriar's-bridge to go to the Tower. One of them asked
the other who sat beside him, if he could tell him what
countryman the waterman was. He replied he could
not. ' Then,' said his friend, ' I can ; he is a Ro-man.'
A Cockney being told the above, said 4 the pun was
wherry good.'
During a late crowded night at Covent Garden
Theatre,
a pretty woman, on wh
powerful sudorific, attracted general attention. Agentlemanafterviewingherfor a few minutes, exclaimed
A charming painting in oil:
�24
The inhabitants of Mount Street, Southampton, were
alarmed one morning at three o'clock by a drunken
fellow
it?' exclaimed a hundred voices at once. 4 That's exactly
4 for my pipe's
what I want to know,' replied the fellow,
gone out.'
For the gout, says one, toast and water; for bile,
and patience; for toothache, pluck it out.
c
exercise;
A venerable Scotch minister used to say to any of his
flock who were labouring under affliction, 4 Time is short,
and if your cross is heavy, you have not far to carry it.'
La Motte, who had lost his eyesight, being one day in
a crowd, accidently trod upon the foot of a young man,
who instantly struck him on the face. * Sir,' said La
Motte, 4 you will be sorry for what you have done, when
1 tell you that I am blind.'
Coward is a feudal expression, implying cow-herd, for
which employment a man void of courage was deemed
only fit for.
Mr. Wilmot, an infidel, when dying, laid his trembling
emaciated hand upon the sacred volume, and exclaimed
solemnly, and with unwonted energy, 4 The only
objection
Franklin, one of the greatest philosophers and
the Scotch mathematician, and author of many learned
works, was at first a poor weaver. Herschel, one of the
most eminent astronomers, rose from the low station of a
fifer boy in the army. These examples show us the
happy effects of assiduity and perseverance.
statesmen
There are boys who think themselves men, and who
goto barbers' shops to be, as they say, 4 bared.' We
eard of a juvenile who went to be scraped, and the
barber
skin, left him and went lounging about his door. As
soon as the young 4 gent.' saw him sauntering, he
impatiently
scre
all this time here for ?' The witty barber replied, 4 I'm
waiting until your beard grows!'
T o FIND 4 MEAN' TIME.—Learn of Molly the maid the
time of dinner, and always drop in at the exact moment.
�
https://scottishchapbooks.lib.uoguelph.ca/files/original/71978326b518834a84ad8e57e9ab3ea3.jpg
a55484d0ed6487f8d14f9fd3e65215cf
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Illustration on title-page of a young girl standing in a drawing room gesturing towards book on a table.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Woodcut 004: Title-page illustration a girl standing in a drawing room gesturing towards a book on a table.
Document
A resource containing textual data. Note that facsimiles or images of texts are still of the genre text.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
The Scrap-Book: A Selection of the Best Jokes, Puns, Comic Sayings, Jonathanisms, &c., &c
Subject
The topic of the resource
Chapbooks - Scotland - Glasgow
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
1856 per University of Glasgow Union Catalogue of Scottish Chapbooks
Language
A language of the resource
English
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
<a href="https://ocul-gue.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/permalink/01OCUL_GUE/mrqn4e/alma9953133963505154">s0098b48</a>
Extent
The size or duration of the resource.
24 pages
Abstract
A summary of the resource.
This chapbook contains 24 pages of jokes, anecdotes, and interesting stories. While many of the selections in this chapbook are of the humorous variety the topics have a great deal of range and also contain general interest stories.
Is Referenced By
A related resource that references, cites, or otherwise points to the described resource.
<p dir="ltr"><span>University of Glasgow Union Catalogue of Scottish Chapbooks </span><a href="http://special.lib.gla.ac.uk/chapbooks/search/">http://special.lib.gla.ac.uk/chapbooks/search/</a></p>
<div> </div>
Is Part Of
A related resource in which the described resource is physically or logically included.
Chapbook #20 in a bound collection of 34 chapbooks
Description
An account of the resource
"2" printed at the bottom of title-page
Woodcut #04: Illustration on title-page of a girl standing in a drawing room gesturing towards a book on a table.
Contributor
An entity responsible for making contributions to the resource
Archival and Special Collections, University of Guelph Library, Guelph, Ontario, Canada
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
JPEGs and PDF derived from master file, which was scanned from the original book in 24-bit color at 600 dpi in TIFF format using an Epson Expression 10000XL scanner.
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
In the public domain; For high quality reproductions, contact Archival & Special Collections, University of Guelph ca.519-824-4120, Ext 53413
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Glasgow: Printed for the Booksellers
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Archival & Special Collections, University of Guelph Library, Guelph, Ontario
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
wit & humor
# of Woodcuts: 1
Architecture: window(s)
Bib Context: title-page
Chapbook Date: 1851-1860
Chapbook Genre: wit & humor
Chapbook Publisher - Glasgow: Printed for the Booksellers
Fashion (Clothing): bloomers
Fashion (Clothing): children's clothes
Fashion (Clothing): dress
Fashion (Clothing): stockings
Fashion (Clothing): upper class
Furniture: table(s)
Gender: girl(s)
Indoor Scene
Object: book(s)
Object: curtain(s)